I think that's why I enjoy baking cupcakes so much. Sure, they are cute, because everything is cute when it's smaller. Why else do we ooh and ahh at baby clothes, baby shoes, babies in and of themselves? Because small things are obviously adorable. But that's beside the point. I enjoy baking because of the control it gives me. Cooking is also therapeutic and calming, but cooking is all estimation. Mixing a little of this with a little of that. Adding some of this to bring out more flavor. Sprinkling in some of that to give it a little kick. It's not exact. So you never know what your dish will come out tasting like. Baking, however, is a science. Now, those of you who know me will wonder why that's appealing, since my brain does NOT work in terms of math and science. But it's really quite simple. When I measure out ingredients, a cup of this, a tablespoon of that, I know I am going to come out with something pretty close to what I planned. Being able to level out a cup of flour with knife assures me that my cupcakes will have the right consistency. Measuring out a teaspoon of vanilla means that my cupcakes will have just enough vanilla flavor, but not be overpowered by it. Sure there are some mishaps. On occasion I spill a little extra bit of an ingredient into the bowl. But in baking, I do what the recipe calls for. And I know that in the end I will get pretty close to what I planned on making.
Today I made red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting. I didn't put enough red food coloring in the batter, so they came out a little more like pink velvet cupcakes. But they tasted exactly like one would expect red velvet cupcakes to taste like. The frosting was a creamy, buttery consistency tasting like a sugary cream cheese. The cupcake was crunchy on the top, moist on the inside, and tasted of a rich chocolate flavor despite its fluffy texture. None of this was a surprise. As I bit into one, I heard myself think "yep, that's red velvet right there." I was comforted by its consistent turn out. By the fact that I had made exactly what I had planned to make.
As far as baking goes, this is an entirely healthy response. I think this mindset can cause us serious trouble in life, though. For me, all of this comfort in knowing what's going to happen in the future, in planning things out so life doesn't surprise me, in following those plans perfectly, often keeps me from taking risks. Planning obsessively and looking ahead leads me to miss the opportunity to be present in what is currently happening in and around me. By playing it safe, I take the chance of missing out on opportunities that could change my life.
Maybe it's a guy who unexpectedly walks into my life when I had planned to spend some time focusing on me. When a relationship wasn't exactly what I had in mind for a little while. When I had told myself I would take a break from trying to find the right guy because each attempt in my past had utterly failed and left me broken inside. When I wasn't ready to open my heart again. When I didn't know if there was even any chance of it working out.
Or, maybe it's a job opportunity in a place I had never planned on moving to. A city where I don't know a single soul. An internship that won't provide me with any income to live off of for the summer. That would require me to live truly alone for the first time in my life. That would probably teach me a million things about myself and the field I want to work in someday. That could allow me to meet new people who might bring something unique into my life. That could probably help me grow stronger in ways I never thought I could.
Or, maybe it's offering someone a second chance who I previously shut out of my life. When I had never planned on letting them knock down the wall I built up so well. When I had justified a thousand times keeping them out of my life and not allowing them to truly know who I am. When I spent years figuring out how to make sense of the pain they caused me. When it would probably allow me to grow in my ability to forgive, accept, and love others. When it would really give me the opportunity to change a past I had always regretted.
It could be anything really. But if I'm too busy making detailed plans for my future and following those plans as precisely as possible, I'll miss those opportunities. Opportunities to pause. To ignore my plans. To take a risk. To live in the moment. To experience life for all that it is. To say yes to the things the universe places in front of me. To live in a way that allows me to never regret a single choice I've made or path I've taken.
So why do I fear taking risks, when there are so many incredible possibilities within them? Why do I choose comfort and safety over possibility and opportunity? Why am I so afraid of taking my homework one task at a time instead of writing down everything in the order in which I plan to accomplish it? Why do I get so scared when a guy seems like he might be interested in me? Sure there is a possibility of getting hurt again, reopening old wounds, but why do I have to focus on that instead of seeing the potential of being happy and enjoying someone else's company? And why am I afraid of forgiving someone close to me for hurting me, letting them back into my life, allowing them to get to know the real me, giving them the opportunity to show me they really have changed and want to be better? Why do I tread so slowly along the icy walkways on campus fearing I will slip, fall, and embarrass myself? People fall on the ice all the time. You get up, laugh it off, brush yourself off, and move on.
That's life. We fall, we mess up, we get hurt. But if we spend it hiding in the corner too afraid to take risks because of the potential harm that could come from them, we'll never know and experience all of the good and growth that is also a potential outcome of those risks. So let's stop planning and start living in the moment. Let's stare uncertainty and ambiguity in the face instead of backing down and settling for comfort. Let's push ourselves to take the risks we never could. Let's fall down and get a little bruised along the way. Because if we don't, we'll never know what could have been. And nothing is worse than being left wondering, "what if?" With risk taking, comes fear, questions, hesitation, and bruises. But it also comes with growth, experience, and infinite potential and possibility.
I'm attaching a youtube video as the end of this blog post. It's a song written and recorded by an amazingly talented friend of mine, Ashley Hames. She's a brilliant writer and a beautiful singer, and I think this song captures the heart of this post really well. Hope you enjoy it, and feel free to check out her youtube page for more of her original music!
