Attraversiamo: Let's cross over...

And so it begins. The journey I've been longing for, or I guess the chapter I've been anticipating on this journey I've long been walking. A new season of freedom in uncertainty. Agenda-less, but not without direction. My adventure. The one I've always dreamed up in my head, never really expecting to become reality.

I stand at the edge of one life on the cusp of the next. Hindsight allowing me to appreciate the beauty of what was last lived. The experiences had, people met, and lessons learned. I grew into myself more than ever this past year. Experienced the richness of community. Discovered the goodness and faithfulness of God. Developed a new sense of independence and self-awareness living on my own and by myself for the first time. Began to find healing from past relational wounds. Believing in love again, just a little bit more every day.

I fought some of my darkest demons and discovered some of my deepest passions. Passions that had always burned bright on the inside, but were buried underneath the expectations of others, and even worse, myself. I found the strength to let them resurface and fell in love with travel, cooking, and most of all, writing, once again.

It was a lonely year at times, as I was often a hermit in my own home. But a renaissance year, as well. As I processed and healed, I pulled back many protective layers that had built up around my heart over the years and experienced a rebirth of my true self.

I began to understand my identity as a daughter of the King, a lover of the light and cultivator of community. As a writer and a cook. As a creative.

Though the time spent alone allowed me to tune into God and my spirit within, I developed a fierce hunger for authentic community. It became my prayer to cultivate such a community and welcome and host it in my home, small as it may be. I found a handful of dear friends who are now doing life together. Often in a bar over two-for-one beers. But also on my living room floor while sipping red wine and eating homemade tri-layered cake. Family dinners on that cool carpet have taught me that no size of a kitchen is too small for a gourmet taco night or decadent wine & cheese party. That not having a dinning room or even a kitchen table cannot prevent authentic community from forming over a shared meal.

I learned a lot about self-care and the need for healthy boundaries in all areas of life. As I began to set better boundaries, I realized my relationships with family, friends and coworkers only improved. Actions I thought would bring bitterness actually resulted in respect for my attempt to better care for myself.

And I discovered an addiction to business and performance (that may sound harsh to call it an addiction, but trust me, it totally is). Recognizing that filling my life with countless things to do, lead and give energy to was merely a way of externally validating myself. Finding my ridiculous desire to please everyone around me by performing at impossible levels of success only ever expected by myself, as a snowballing addiction to performance and my ultimate source of unhealthy, external self-worth.

I'd been running on empty since I was a toddler. Always over-involved, doing more than one person should. This year, I decided to face my addiction and find real healing that would lead me to live another kind of life. And this other kind of life is exactly what I'm stepping into.

But first, let me set the scene:

I've quit my job. Entirely. With no intention of finding another job right away. Crazy? Yup. Absurd? Pretty much. But absolutely necessary.

I've realized that to truly heal from this addiction to business and performance I cannot be in an overly stressful environment that beckons striving for achievement. It would be like an alcoholic attending AA meetings in a bar. And so while it sounds utterly insane to choose unemployment for a short season, I know it's the wisest thing I can do to jump start the detox I so desperately need to fight the workaholic performer blood that fuels me.

I have a month left on my lease, and I'm not renewing it. Nor am I looking for another place to live. I'm sure you're now officially thinking I'm insane, but no, this isn't one of those homeless experiments.

Instead of a new lease, I have a ticket. A roundtrip ticket to Dublin, Ireland, where I will begin a six month (possibly more if fate allows) journey of travel. Why Ireland? Cheapest roundtrip tickets to Europe I could find. And you gotta start somewhere. Plus, it's gorgeous and green, so why the hell not?

Don't worry, I'm not going to spend six months roaming the world on my own (although I probably would). My dear friend Morgan is traveling with me. She is an artist. A fantastic, talented, beautiful painter. We are kindred spirits. The rare kind of friends that can talk for hours without getting bored or spend days in silence sharing blessed solitude side by side. We share a love for bold, black coffee, natural beauty, travel, local coffeshops, history, Jesus, red wine and writing. She is a free spirit and creative and has helped me embrace uncertainty, as well as my own creative identity as a writer. We share what seems to be a sacred bond. I couldn't imagine a more beautiful person with whom to share this journey ahead.

I know, I know, you have questions. Like what are we going to do for six(ish) months abroad?

Live in freedom. Exploring the places our hearts have always wanted to go. Painting and writing our way across the world, letting the natural beauty we encounter, the people we meet, and the culture we experience seep into our hearts, change and inspire us to become who we were created to be, and leak out onto canvas and journal pages that will hopefully leave our mark on this beautiful earth.

Cheesy? Definitely. But that's my style. Cheesy ins't such a desirable word, but it's definition totally is if you ask me. Cheesiness is really finding hope and optimism where others don't. Choosing to recognize opportunity. Emphasizing beauty. Loving all that is lovely. Being cheesy gets a bad rap, but it's not such a bad quality, y'all.

We hope to discover more of our true selves along the way. To tune into our spirits and learn to live from that incomparably authentic place. To encounter God everywhere we go. Knowing that He is omnipresent and His kingdom is global, international, and multicultural. We want to experience His goodness, admire His creation, and praise Him for His faithfulness everywhere we go.

And I want to learn how to live agenda-less, but not directionless. Embracing the journey without fear of the unknown. Finding freedom in uncertainty. Living out moments and days instead of planning out details. Knowing my value and self-worth comes from whose I am and never what I accomplish.

Over the past year I have learned to love myself. This is a huge feat for a girl who always required the affection of guys to feel worthy. But through a season of healing from the wounds that caused those destructive behavior patterns, I realized that wasn't my only source of external validation. I learned to love myself in a way that replaced my need for approval or attention from men...but not in a way that has replaced my need for success and achievement. I still hold way too tightly to how others view my performance.

Additionally, I have no idea what I am supposed to do with my life anymore. None whatsoever. For the first time, I don't have a game plan and a corresponding timeline for my life. And you know what? It's absolutely liberating. But it also means that I can't tell you where this adventure will lead. I no longer have a career goal with step by step accomplishments that will take me to the top. I can't even really answer that "so, what do you want to do when you grow up" question anymore.

All I know is this:

It's about who you are, not what you do. No job is your true calling if you're unhappy doing it. We were created for something. Wired purposefully with unique passions, desires and talents, which we are meant to discover and pursue. And it's worth unemployment, screwing up or galavanting across the world to find your unique place within it.

I love to travel. I love seeing new parts of the world, digging my toes into different sands, tasting regional spices that burn the taste buds off my tongue, dancing to traditional rhythms that make me look like a total white girl, experiencing ancient history as if I were there when it took place, meeting people who are head over heals in love with their land, culture, country and traditions.

The most impactful moments of my life, the heart-stoppers and game-changers, have occurred in different parts of the world, on unfamiliar soil. I think it's because universal truths hit home when you hear them ringing all around the world. And because you come to know your true self, untainted by others, noncomformed to your own culture, when you move around long enough. And also because God dwells in all of us. So you meet people who reek of Jesus, glow with God's divine light and speak His wisdom into your life everywhere you go. And sometimes you just need to hear it spoken in a new language or metaphor, or see it in an African sunset or a pile of Roman ruins to finally recognize God's love, redemption, and reign over this earth.

I've dreamed of traveling the world my whole life. I've been blessed to visit Mexico, Canada, England, France, Israel, Sierra Leone, Uganda, Rwanda and Congo. Other than an eight-week summer in Oaxaca, my trips have never lasted more than two weeks. Just enough time to fall in love with a place and then have to leave. I always wanted to drop everything and travel for an extended period of time. But I kept telling myself that would be ridiculous, crazy, stupid, irresponsible, a waste of money. But it was my heart's dream.

Here's a little secret, y'all: Dreams don't disappear. We think they do, because we make excuses and listen to the opinions of others, both of which push them down so far they're hard to see. But they only get buried deeper into the pulse of our veins. And even though they are harder to see, with every heartbeat, we want and need to live out those dreams even more.

I'm sure you're thinking, that's great and all, but how are you actually doing this. And if you're anything like me, you want some logistics, like how on earth are you making this happen financially?

I'm using my life's savings. Some I earned waiting tables at Friday's, some was given to me about ten years ago for my Bat Mitzvah, and some my parents and grandparents put away for me a long time ago. I realize it seems totally irresponsible to blow my life's savings at the age of 22. Trust me, I get that. But I know this is what it was put there for. I can feel it in my bones that this money was never meant for bills or rent but for the adventure of my life. Who knows how long it will last wherever I end up. I may be home in a month or I may be gone a year. That's the thing about travel, you never know who you'll meet or what opportunities you'll encounter.

Morgan's selling her artwork to fund the trip, as well. Paintings she's been working on over the years, which she's had displayed at some art shows recently. She's also pre-selling paintings she will create on our travels. She'll be painting everywhere we go, and who knows what art connections she'll make abroad.

Do we have the money to be gone six months? Nope, not yet. But we are taking a leap of faith. Knowing this is what we're supposed to do and trusting God to provide in His awesome, mysterious ways as we go. Plus, it's really just more fun that way.

So, where to after Ireland?

Who knows really. We're holding our plans loosely, allowing each piece of the journey to inspire the next destination. But we plan to visit Scotland and England since they are so close to Ireland. Then we want to spend significant time in Italy. We've considered Greece and Bali to follow Italy. India, Israel, Croatia and New Zealand have popped in my head, as well as Turkey and Switzerland.

But Italy is the main destination on my heart. The culture, slower, richer, more focused on living in the moment and falling in love, whether it be with a person or a plate of pasta. The food, wine, ancient ruins, art and history. The vineyards and olive trees, street-side cafes and gelaterias. I've had a love affair with Italy since my feet landed in Rome a year ago. With the understanding of the sweetness of doing nothing and the spiritual significance of food, I'm convinced that Italian is the true language of both my heart and stomach.

Other than traveling, my two truest passions are writing and cooking (which goes hand-in-hand with eating, naturally). At a time in your life when no career path you've planned for seems to totally pull at your spirit any longer, you've gotta go back to the basics: what do you love to do?

My answer: travel, cook, eat and write.

And so I'm going to write my way across the world. Allowing the food I eat and cook, the community I encounter and the beauty I experience everywhere I go to inspire the pages I fill.

So, there you go. A glimpse into the journey that lies ahead. Or as much of a glimpse as I can currently give you.

I don't know what it looks like, where it will take me or how it will all work out. I do know it's a little crazy and definitely risky. But I also know that this world is a kind of beautiful that can only be described as crazy. And that we were created to experience it. But you can't by playing it safe. Dreaming big is only risky in the sense of never crossing over into making your heart's dreams your life's reality. With big risk comes big reward. And if that reward is tasting this crazy beautiful life in all of its fullness, I'm willing to risk it all for one tiny, decadent, game-changer of a bite. 

            So, as they say in Italian,

                        Attraversiamo.

                                    Let's cross over...

My balcony changed everything

It's hard to imagine ever leaving this balcony. And yet, in only a month I will.

This small platform has been my refuge throughout the past year. Fenced in by a wall of hearts, I found healing I never dreamed possible. My view was God's canvas for revealing himself and redefining love in my life.

Early mornings, just in time to watch the brilliant sunrise, momentarily cool in the summer, crisp and refreshing in the fall. Even buried under thick layers and bundled up tight in a blanket, I made it out here in the winter.

There's no better place to center, recharge or simply be. Those early mornings became my escape, setting the rhythm for my life to come, constantly showing me that there is more. Wooing me deeper into my relationship with God. Calling me toward my destiny. Speaking out my identity.

I came to know myself out here. The birds' songs and the way the sun makes even the dullest leaf glisten. The clear blue skies or the steady flow of sweet cotton candy clouds across them at dusk. The roar of a summer thunderstorms and the heavy rhythm of fierce raindrops piercing the earth. The mesmerizing snowflakes that every once and a while would fall with grace. This natural beauty brought peace and stillness. It cut through the anxiety and stress and brought me back to my own natural state of calm and content.

Stillness is incomparably powerful. With it you connect with yourself in an intimate way. It beckons a kind of authenticity that requires vulnerability, the breeding ground for self discovery.

In complete solitude, surrounded by remarkable beauty, I faced myself. Peeling off the masks, layer by layer, I was reacquainted with me. Untainted by life circumstance and non-conformed to expectation or desire. Out here, my soul was naked once again. Self-awareness or self-discovery couldn't come close to defining the significance of such an experience.

Our deepest desire as humans is none other than to be known. Deeply, intimately known for all we are and all we desire to become. That is innate in each of us and true whether we acknowledge the need or not. So what happens when you we don't really know ourselves? I think we settle for thinking we are "known" by people in our lives who've actually got us wrong. Who don't see into the depths of our hearts or the corners of our wildest dreams.

Without that naked image of our own souls, and with that intrinsic desire for known-ness, we believe them. If we are people pleasers who rely on external validation from the opinions of others, this only worsens. We want so desperately, subconscious as the desire may be, to experience the intimacy of being known that we allow ourselves to become who it is they "know" us to be.

It could be a parent, friend, boss, or lover. Anyone we are in relationship with. We start telling ourselves that because they know us so well, it must be true. That must be my character, even though it's not. That must be where I want to go, even though it's not even close. That must be who I was created to be or what I was born to do, even though it is so completely not.

People we love and respect have an incredible ability to speak into our lives. Without knowing our true selves, we risk masquerading through life as someone those around us think we are or should be.

If the desire to be known will never fade, which it clearly won't, we owe it to ourselves to be the first one to meet that longing for known-ness.

I came to know my true self out here on this balcony. And through that, I was able to develop a love for my authentic self. A love that allowed me to begin healing from past relational wounds. From my fear of marriage. From my need for external validation from male affection. From my addiction to busyness and performance.

For me, these many layers of healing occurred only because I came to know the real me, as God created me. He wooed me out here on this sunny yellow chair. He romanced me in a way that completely rewrote my false definition of love. Speaking words of affirmation, showing me glimpses of His heart, unfolding my identity as a daughter, surprising me with rainstorms, singing to me through the birds...

God loved me back to a place of believing in love again. But His kind of love. The unconditional, joy carrying, never destructive, always empowering kind of love that we were all created to know, give and receive.

Receiving His love out here in a place of serene solitude allowed me to follow Him into the depths of my own heart, come to know my true self, and offer that same kind of love back to myself.

And because of all that, I started to dream my own dreams again. I stepped into my actual identity and rediscovered my deepest passions. Knowing that I knew myself, what others had to say about it could no longer change my direction nor slow my speed.

Don't get me wrong, we all need community and there's absolutely no amount of self discovery that can replace that. We desperately need to experience intimacy in the form of being known and loved by others. But discovering my true self allowed me to meet my own intrinsic need to be known, developing in me an authentic love for myself, something that no amount of community could have given me.

This balcony was the safe-haven I needed to find the inner healing that would launch me toward my destiny. I'll never be the same because of the time I spent out here. And when it's time to leave it behind, I'll carry it's splendid solitude with me as I journey into the world, mask-less, in the direction of my own dreams.

Spend significant time alone with yourself in a peaceful place. Journal, meditate, pray, read, or just stare at the trees brushing the sky. Take off the masks and be with yourself in your own safe haven. I promise you will be transformed, and nothing in your life will ever be the same.