The Pursuit

I spent this past weekend in Philadelphia at The Justice Conference. I had heard a lot about the conference from many people I know. They all said it was inspiring for anyone in this line of work and that I and my team needed to attend. Being at The Justice Conference was a great experience...but not in the way I thought it would be.

Yes, I was inspired by the thousands of passionate justice seekers coming together to learn about the movements and causes and fighting of injustice taking place around the world. By those who risk their lives daily to literally set the captives free. I was inspired by stories of those who have been fighting on "the front lines" as they say. Entering brothels to rescue young girls who were trafficked. Taking modern day slave owners to court. Day after day after day.

People who have been doing this long, tiring, messy and often boring work for decades. Feeding the hungry. Caring for the sick. Empowering the poor. Finding the lost. Freeing those in bondage. Changing laws that enable injustice and protect those who violate freedom. Literally transforming statistics that reveal the deep impact of such work.

Seeing the one. Saving a single life. But over and over and over. Until tangible progress is made and trends of injustice are slowed, shrunk, and reversed into trends of justice.

It was hard not to be inspired. We hear so much about the problems in our world. But in the darkeness there is light.

It's shining through the smile of a young girl who is now going to school, learning and growing in a safe home in the Philippines after years of being imprisoned and brutally taken advantage of for years in a brothel. It shines through the forgiveness offered by a former child soldier to her very abductors. It shines through the transformation of a former brothel owner who now helps rescue the very girls he used to traffic. It shines through the pride of a rural woman in Africa who, thanks to a small micro-finance loan, now runs her own business and employs half of her village. Including her husband who once beat her daily, but now respects and stands beside her. It shines through the ruling of a judge that places the first policeman in a nation in jail for facilitating human trafficking and protecting brothel owners. It shines through the shift in policy from contributing to injustice to informing justice. It shines through a decrease in the number of girls abandoned and forcibly aborted in China due to the one-child policy.

From smiles to statistics, light is breaking through the darkness of this world. One person, one life, and one story at a time.

I was inspired. But I was also overwhelmed. Through deep wisdom offered by various speakers, I realized justice and world change have become idols in my life.

Eugene Cho said so well: "Make sure that the pursuit of God is that which informs your pursuit of justice and not the other way around.


That's when I realized that I've been guilty of doing the opposite. I've fallen so in love with the idea of changing the world and impacting lives that it has become an idol in my life. I'm often more in love with it than with God. Seeking harder after it than after God. He has to be the source. If I am to pursue justice, it should be only because He asks me to, which He does. And more importantly, how, where, and when He asks me to. If my pursuit of justice, my love for the idea of changing the world, does not come from a much bigger pursuit of Jesus and far stronger love for Him, justice and world change have become idols in my life.

I need to stop trying to change the world and start listening to where God wants to take me in this world. To stop following justice and start following Jesus again. To stop loving the idea of making a difference in the world and go back to my passionate first love of Jesus himself.

I need to stop fighting this fight, shut up, pray, and seek Him to learn what fight He wants me to fight.

You see, there are so many injustices. So many causes. So many movements. Once you start fighting one, you easily get swept away and consumed by it. To the point that you're obsessed, and fighting that fight becomes more important than sitting silently at God's feet. You get involved. Invested. Your time, energy, love and resources pour into it. And you feel so connected with the cause that you can't imagine having any other purpose than fighting that injustice.

But our purpose is really quite simple: it's to walk with Jesus. To love Him, know Him, and be with Him.

I became so enamored wit the idea of world change that I lost that. I embedded myself so deeply in the fight against child soldiering that I stopped listening to the whisper of God. I marched in the movement instead of sitting at God's feet. Worked on projects to change the world instead of praying for God to change hearts.

And so I didn't hear Him say whether or not this really was my fight. It's a necessary fight, and God's heart is yearning for people to act to bring an end to child soldiering. To bring hope to those affected by the wars in East Africa. To empower children who have survived these wars to find healing, freedom, and their voice. To bring peace to Congo and Uganda, and the world for that matter. He wants that more than we ever will. It's a beautiful, honorable, and worthy fight.

But I'm not so sure anymore that it's mine.

Maybe it is, but I've felt God pulling me elsewhere. I've felt Him peeling back the walls of my heart to reveal exactly how He wired me. The very skills, talents and passions He gave me. Why and what for. I've sensed Him leading me toward a different fight. A different cause. The one that He tuned my heartbeat to from the very beginning.

But I've loved this pursuit of justice more than the pursuit of Jesus lately.

And so I've made excuses to stay and fight an honorable, worthy fight, but a fight that maybe wasn't meant to be mine. Or was for a very specific time, but just isn't anymore.

What is my fight? I have a few ideas, some common themes that I feel tugging on my heart. But really? I have no clue. I just know that if I am to be brutally honest with myself and stare into the depths of my heart and more importantly the deep, beautiful eyes of Jesus...it's not this anymore.

And so it's time to stop pursuing justice in a way that hasn't been informed by my pursuit of Jesus.

It's time to sit at His feet and shut up.

It's time to stop marching and be still.

It's time to stop loving the idea of changing the world and simply love Him.

It's time to give Him the space He needs to speak over me and inform my pursuit of justice. So that I can start fighting my own fight. The one I am equipped to advocate for and wired to bring about change within. The one He has created me to fight. The one He wants me to fight.

It's time to go back to the source. In a season of seeking nothing but the heart of God. To get back in step with the Spirit. So that I can march with humility, only out of love for Jesus, right by His side in the battle He has chosen me to fight.

Flesh vs. Spirit

I’m starting to wrap my brain around the idea of living out of your spirit. Mostly because I’m encountering a lot of problems from failing to do so. Like learning what my demons are. Coming to identify and know them by name. The ones that have been around for quite some time, settling into my mind and making it home.

My demons. They reside in me and continually taunt me. They do their job quite well, distracting and leading me far astray. I’ve felt them tug and pull me away from intimacy with God and awareness of my spirit. They’ve got muscle to be sure, and we all have our own. But mine are very clearly showing themselves as fear, doubt and anxiety.

They are clever, and they’ve had me fooled for quite some time. Camouflaging into my own thoughts. Even presenting themselves as the Holy Spirit at times. They have occupied my mind, but only because I’ve let them. I’ve allowed them to do so by putting my faith in them, believing in them, trusting them. Ultimately, I’ve agreed with them.

Every agreement has empowered them to remain in control with possession of my thoughts. Giving them more reign over me than my spirit has. Slowly, fear, doubt and anxiety have become the voices I know and trust. Shrinking my spirit and its influence over my thoughts, beliefs and actions.

It’s as if I handed over the key to my mind and gave my demons the ability to unlock the door, turn off the lights, and rearrange my thoughts like tiny furniture. Hiding what threatens them, replacing what defeats them, and dimming what reveals them to be only mere demons.

As I’ve empowered my demons, I’ve disempowered myself. It’s now a struggle to live out of my spirit. Instead, they feed my flesh, causing me to live out of fear, doubt and anxiety. Which often makes the world look darker, God seem smaller, and hope appear to be far off in the distance. They feed me lie after lie, and I quickly gobble them up like tiny bites of truth.

Whatever mountain is standing before me would be a lot smaller and far less scary if I would simply come out of agreement with my demons and into agreement with my spirit.

A couple months ago, when trying to decipher if I had heard God right or if I was off in what I thought He’d spoken over me, I heard Him whisper ever so slightly: “Trust your spirit. It’s more credible than you think. It knows me, sees me, and hears me. It’s looking at me. Trust your spirit. It’s more credible than you think.”

My spirit sees God show up before my eyes can. It hears Him speak before my ears are able. It feels Him move before my body can notice. It’s looking at Him, following Him, pressing into Him, and becoming more like Him. And because of that, it’s more trustworthy than I think and far more powerful in the fight against my demons than I give it credit for. My spirit is more on the right track than my flesh will ever be.

And so I have to stop living from the flesh and instead live out of my spirit. But in order to do so, I must to come out of agreement with my demons, and into agreement with Truth. Transformation comes when we renew what we think on.

I will choose to think on God’s word, His goodness and His promise. His faithfulness and His truth. I come into agreement with all that He is and all that He has spoken over me. I accept it as the only Truth worth living by.

And I come out of agreement with fear, doubt and anxiety and any other form they may take. I take back the key to my thoughts, and hand it over to my spirit. My demons cannot reign without my permission, and I revoke all power and privilege I’ve given to them in the past.

I will trust my spirit more. I will agree with God’s truth, lean not on my own understanding, but take Him at His word, and live out of my spirit. Fear, doubt and anxiety, you no longer get to control me. You are no longer welcome here in my mind or in my heart. It’s time to pack up and leave. Now.

Like my demons feed my flesh, You, Lord, feed my spirit. I pray that You continue to feed it more of You and Your truth. Empowering it to lead me in the right direction by reigning over my thoughts, beliefs, emotions and actions. Feed my spirit until it grows to fill and occupy every space in my mind and every particle of my heart. Until I have shed so much flesh that the only way to possibly live is out of my spirit.