Incredibly angry, but still forever Yours

Sometimes, God speaks to me. I've talked about this in my blog before. Mentioned my conversations with God. It's still new for me. Very new for me. But every once in a while, it seems like the universe stops, everything around me is utterly still, and I hear God speak. A few words. A sentence. And sometimes a whole conversation back and forth with me. It doesn't happen all the time, but when it does...I know it's Him. There's no way to really describe how I know. But it's a different kind of voice. It doesn't sound like it's coming from me. It enters my brain faster than I could have come up with the words. And the stillness around me just assures me that it's Him.

I still do the whole doubt dance. That's what I'm calling it these days. The back and forth, "is that you, God? Cause maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm insane. But I really feel like I heard you. But how is that even possible? I must be crazy. Or am I?" And so on and so forth.

I doubt. I question. But nonetheless, I know God speaks to me in those moments. I know it's Him.

Yesterday someone reminded me that I am lucky to hear God speak to me. Now, this was in the mist of processing some serious anger I have towards God for telling me something I did not and do not ever want to hear. So, I was like yeah, yeah, whatever. It's nice I guess. I mean I know I'm lucky. But I don't want to hear THIS. I know it's rare, and that I'm blessed to be able to notice God speaking to me. To distinctly hear His voice. I am thankful for that. I am.

And here comes the big BUT.

I'm quickly learning that when God speaks to you, when you have conversations with God...he tells you things you don't want to hear. Probably not so hard to believe. It's just part of the deal. Just like talking to a dear friend or a parent I guess.

But this wasn't just a "I need you to befriend this person you've been ignoring or gossiping about." Or "I need you to stop this bad habit."

No, this was something about my future. A piece of information. Something God said will happen in my life someday. Something I would NEVER want to do. Something I would never dream of doing. Something that makes me want to cringe, cry, hyperventilate and curl up in fetal position under the covers just thinking about.

There was a request attached to it. I guess the more important part was the ask. The thing God was telling me I needed to start doing. That part wasn't difficult. That part, I was cool with. That part, I could handle.

But he had to go further...Instead of saying I need you to do this, He had to say, I need you to do this BECAUSE  x is going to happen someday.

It was just a few words. But a few very big, very scary, very unappealing words. I freaked. I yelled. I cried. I was furious. Terrified. And totally in denial.

"You're wrong. There's no way that's happening. I would never do that. I am not okay with that. How could you be okay with that? That's so utterly and completely the wrong thing for me. Are you insane? Are you THAT stupid? Are you THAT mean?" And so on, and so forth.

So, I did what any angry, afraid, in denial person would do. I ignored him. I did not comply with God's request. I pretended I had never heard that little piece of false (according to me) information that was attached to it. And I went about my business. For months.

Until...God made it blatantly obvious that I needed to deal with it. One of those HEY THERE WHATCHA DOIN while he holds it right in front of your face sort of moments.

I knew I had to deal with it. And the anger commenced once again. And the questioning. And the doubting. And lots of yelling. And crying. And fear on top of fear on top of fear.

So I tried to talk it out with someone I know and trust and look up to. A spiritual mentor of mine. We processed. I repeatedly said, "But I don't want this. I'm not okay with this. I don't like this." In response to practically every wise comment she made. My focus was on the little piece of information regarding my future, not on what God asked me to do. On what I want, not what God was saying was actually going to happen. On some pretty shitty things that happened in the past, rather than some potentially positive things that could happen in the future. On me and my own fears and insecurities, instead of on someone in desperate need of saving.

It was a pretty selfish moment. Okay, I'll be honest, a pretty selfish few months for me. I'm not proud of it. Because while I was ignoring that little tidbit I didn't want to hear, I could have been obeying God's request. And helping someone lost get found.

But, what I do know now is that it's okay to be angry at God. He is big and He is tough. He can handle it. He can take anything I dish out. As long as I'm sitting there with Him dishing it out. Or more accurately, standing up, pacing back and forth, hands moving rapidly, yelling it out. Because if I'm yelling at Him, I'm still talking to Him. Going to Him. Including Him in the process. Instead of shutting Him out or abandoning Him. Anger is a healthy emotion. I could have said, "Okay, if that's what You have in store for me, I'm outta this relationship." But I didn't. I chose to yell at Him. To have healthy conflict. And what relationship doesn't grow stronger through surviving conflict?

I'm still angry at God. If this little thing He told me is actually true. I'm not happy about it. I'm not okay with it. I'm utterly terrified of it. Right now. But maybe He can get me there. If I keep including Him in the conversation. Walking with Him in this process.

God,

I know that you are for me. Never against me. Always rooting for me. Constantly looking out for my best interest. Trying to bless me with your beautiful plans. I know that you are for me.

So why does it seem like you are so fervently against me right now?

I know that you have plans to prosper me and not to harm me.

So why does this plan you so kindly (I hope by now you get my sarcasm) let me in on seem like it will destroy me?

I know you aim to grow me. To build me up. To move me forward and and always toward you.

So why does it seem like this will tear me down, move me backwards, so far backwards and away from you?

I know that you are truth. And that you only speak truth.

So why does this little secret you so generously (again, sarcasm) shared with me seem like such a lie? Such a  big, fat, never-in-a-million-years-gonna-happen lie?

I know that it's not about what I want. I get that.

But why would you want this?

I will be obedient. I will choose despite these things to follow you. To surrender to your will.

But I need some answers here. So I don't hate you for asking me to do this. So I don't doubt you. So I don't feel desperately terrified at the thought of this.

I wish you hadn't told me. I wish you hadn't let me in on this little tidbit about my future. One that I believe to be very far away and ever so different from how you described it.

I wish it were a sick joke.

But you don't play those games. I know you don't.

If this is true...if this is really going to happen someday, I need some answers. I need you to start talking. To tell me how to cope with this. How to not feel so burdened by it. How to not let it consume my every thought.

You opened this can of worms.

Talk. Share Help me wrap my brain around this (what seems to me) beyond stupid plan you have for me.

Please.

I still know that you are for me.

So prove it.

                    Incredibly angry, but still forever Yours,

                                           Jessie