Freedom Lies in Being Bold (or why I chopped off my hair)

Yesterday I cut off all my hair. Not personally. I went to a salon, of course, to see a professional. And not a buzz cut. But seriously short. Like between a bob and a pixie cut. The front still barely covers my ears. But the back is maybe an inch long. And before I did it, my hair was long. Like past my chest, took many years of avoiding haircuts to get it that way, long.

I was sitting in the chair, staring at her through the mirror as she chopped two foot long ponytails off my head, when the stylist asked, "So what made you decide to cut off all this hair?" When I paused to come up with an answer I could actually word, she responded in fear, "Oh no, you didn't break up with a boyfriend, did you? I totally shouldn't have asked." No, no. Not EVEN close.

I explained that I needed to do something bold, just for me. But I didn't really grasp the fullness of that truth until this morning.

It was really just for me. Not for a boy. Not to impress. Not to look good to others. Because let's face it, as much as any girl on the planet can pull off short hair, and as much as others will immediately respond that the cut looks super cute, guys definitely prefer longer hair. People in general seem to respond to even the most gorgeous celebrities with pixie cuts with something like: "That's cute, she can totally rock it, but she looked prettier with long hair."

Long hair just seems more feminine. More predictable. Less wild and shocking. Less bold. Women with short hair seem to walk more confidently. And I won't go on a feminist rant (though trust me, I am dying to do so), but I think the world is intimidated by women who challenge the norm, act boldly, and exude confidence through losing their long locks.

So, I did it for me. Just for me. As a people pleaser (by the way, I've become a much bigger fan of the term people pleaser than pushover, as it has a little less weak and pathetic connotation), I spend so much of my time worrying about what others think, how they feel, and what they want me to do. It's exhausting. I'm working on it, but I often feel imprisoned by the people pleaser voice in my head. Obviously cutting my hair couldn't heal me of the holes I still try to fill with (slightly more healthy than past fillers, but still totally inadequate) external validation. But put simply, I needed to do one thing that was completely and totally my decision. For my happiness. Regardless of what anyone else might think about it.

But that's just the first part. I also needed to do something bold. Sure there's a level of excitement and a certain high that comes form acts of boldness. But more than needing the adrenaline rush that comes from it, I needed to know I was simply capable of boldness.

I needed a tangible reminder that I am and can be bold. That I have it in me to take risks, go on adventures, jump leaps of faith, and chase after big dreams. Not necessarily as day one of some life-changing Eat, Pray, Love journey. But just as a reminder to myself. Proof to myself that I am, can, and will be BOLD.

Sometimes, no matter how much we search our hearts, we can't come to certain conclusions about ourselves. We often have already painted a self-portrait in our heads that encouragements from others and ourselves just can't erase or paint over. We can dream about someday being different, becoming somebody else, making these big changes, and chasing after these big dreams. But saying, thinking, and writing the words can only go so far sometimes.

So we may need something tangible to hold onto. I think this is why for years I experimented with different hair colors in high school. And then upon discovering tattoos, I couldn't stop. I'm up to 4 now. Not a huge number, but running out of strategically classy locations to be sure. A lot of people look at me and my life choices and personality and say I'm bold. That I'm a risk taker. Or that they admire my confidence.

But I look at me and see someone who overanalyzes every tiny piece of every thought, action, and circumstance. Who overthinks and overplans. Who would rather keep others happy than do something that makes me happy. They may see something else. But I see a triple threat: planner, pushover, people-pleaser. That's the self portrait I've painted in my head.

So dying my hair was my first way of saying "screw you"to the people in my life who tried to control me (or who I let control me regardless of their intentions). In high school it was my tangible assertion of my independence and agency. I needed a physical reminder for myself that I was the only one in charge of my life.

And then the tattoos were a way of literally writing my passions on my heart (or body). You know, in case I forgot that I cared about the world and the people in it, needed to always love and walk humbly, was stronger than my circumstances, and had no reason to fear losing myself in love again. Just in case I ever forgot, they were sketched into my skin. But again, I just needed a tangible reminder. Sure, if people ask me what they mean, I love to share with them. But all four tattoos were for me. Tangible reminders of who I am and what I believe in.

But this time, I needed a tangible reminder that I am capable of boldness. That people pleasing doesn't define me. That I am in complete control of my life and can confidently strut, yes strut not walk, in the direction of my dreams, straight toward my destiny, regardless of how others feel about it.

Sound a bit harsh? Hate to break it to you, but tough love is just about the only way to help a pushover.

So that's why I cut all my hair off. Just for me. As a tangible reminder to myself that I am in fact bold.

And you know what? Robert Frost is an absolute genius...

"Freedom lies in being bold."

Today, I feel free. Free form the expectations and desires of others. And free from that awful self-portrait I had painted in my head of an overanalyzing, people-pleasing, pushover.

Today...I am BOLD.


Today...I am ME.

A or B

Do I want to please people, or do I want to glorify God?

I'm realizing it's an important question to ask myself. And that what accomplishes one usually has the opposite effect on the other. Perhaps sometimes you might be able to swing both. But I think more often than not, the two are mutually exclusive. Causing us  to really ask ourselves...do I want to please people, or do I want to glorify God?

And not just before making small day to day choices. But before the big decisions. And most importantly, as a lifestyle.

What if you have to choose? What if you've hit a fork in the road and you realize you can no longer hop back and forth between both sides? That you can't just continue straddling the dividing line anymore. One foot over here. One over there. What if you've reached the point in life where the only remaining option is to fully commit to one or the other? Before they were similar enough that you could pull off the facade of doing both. But now they've gotten more seriously selective. Diverging from each other. Becoming two distinct worlds. Leaving you with the option of A or B. Nothing in between. No combo meal. No best of both worlds. No half-assing two different lifestyles.

A or B.

Pleasing people or glorifying God.

Totally distinct. Opposite directions. Different realities of who you will be, what you will do, and what type of life you will live. All you can do...the only option you have left...is to choose.

A or B.

It seems easy enough, right? Of course glorifying God is more important than pleasing people. You're certain of it. Your heart, mind and spirit know it.

And yet the stakes of choosing to do so are just so high. So terrifyingly high.

Especially if you are a people pleaser. If you've been wearing that mask for years, making your life decisions on the sole basis of how it will affect those around you. How happy they'll be. How well they'll like and approve of you. To the extent that you can't even tell where the mask ends and your face begins. What parts of you are fake, and what parts of you are actually flesh. You've been doing it so long that it looks like the real you. Feels like the real you. Are you people pleasing, or does what you genuinely desire just so happen to please others?

If that's the case, you probably can't even trust your own judgement, at least not in your current state. Not until you take some time to separate yourself from those people. Perhaps all people. To really search your heart for the true self.

It's scary to admit, but if you are to be totally honest with yourself (to the best of your current ability), that's the only way to know who you really are, what you really want, and what of the choices in front of you will glorify God rather than please people. Those things just get too clouded by the people and their demands, desires, opinions and praises.

And when you've been living under that cloud for long enough, it simply looks like the sky. You can't even realize its polluted state. To you, it's pure sky.

You need silence...to be away from the noise.

You need stillness...to stop the running.

You need emptiness...to step away from the striving.

You may even need to escape entirely. You must if the noise, the running, and the striving are too tempting in your current environment.

You need a place conducive to silence, stillness and emptiness. Soul searching, prayer and meditation. True-self discovery and divine encounter. You're never unreachable for God. But you may be too stuck in the noise, caught up in the running and obsessed with the striving to hear Him. He'll never stop trying, but it's on us to get the clutter out of our lives so that we can notice Him.

Maybe you can't decipher A from B. Maybe you're confused entirely, because as soon as you start to peel off a corner of that mask, you feel vulnerable and let it mold back on. Or  maybe you're just so deep in people pleasing that you don't even notice a mask. Because when you look in the mirror, all you see is yourself. And maybe you already know which path pleases people and which glorifies God.

But even if you've distinguished A from B, if you're a people pleaser, it won't be easy to choose the latter.

Because it's hard to seek God's face and will when you can't even identify your own.

Footholds

The mountains are painted with your majesty. Will you paint my words with your majesty, too?

I know not what my full purpose is on this earth. Or rather, my full destiny, since my full purpose is nothing more and nothing less than to bring You glory and advance the Kingdom. But as for my destiny, I feel like You've revealed bits and pieces. Just not enough detail to glue them together, as is Your nature.

Regardless, I'm grateful for those pieces. Because small as they may be, they are the only footholds I've found that fit my large, clumsy feet on this mountain I'm trying desperately to climb with my hands wide open.

I'm thankful for the comfort and security they provide me when I feel lost or unsteadied. The excitement and energy they give me by making the top of this mountain seem more reachable.

Each time I encounter a new foothold I'm encouraged and inspired to continue my journey as was planned out for me.

And in the in-between..I worry where to continue, what direction to go, if I'm climbing well, if I'll ever reach the top, and what lowly me is even doing climbing such a majestic mountain in the first place.

But then, just as I'm stuck down in the middleness between them, You shine Your light on yet another foothold You created just for me. Another perfect fit. And I'm overcome once again with security, energy, and inspiration. I'm ready to keep climbing in the direction this new foothold leads.

I believe I may be between footholds. Having reentered that all too familiar territory of the in-between. But because of the past footholds, there are certain aspects of my journey I can hold onto with confidence. Each foothold You've blessed me with has redirected my path, sometimes ever so slightly, and other times in what seems like a 180. But always guiding me toward my destiny.

These footholds are the only truth I know aside from You. So I will hold onto them and keep climbing where you lead. Praying always for just one more foothold.

Morning Glory

Some mornings I wonder how I ever could have doubted the existence of God.

I am utterly amazed at the natural beauty surrounding me as I sit here on my balcony and center, as has become my Monday morning ritual.

Before even sitting down the birds begin to serenade me. Coming from all directions, in different pitches and tunes, they sing their morning song. Welcoming the new day. Welcoming me, as I come into my resting place, a small balcony overlooking their home in the trees. All their noises uniting into one perfect melody. Their rhythm enters my soul. Bringing an indescribable peace.

I look up and see them dancing to their tune in the trees. Hopping from branch to branch. Moving about with grace and ease. Do they even know the magic of the song they create? Perhaps they chirp with pride. But no, I think they chirp from a humble place of joy and thanksgiving. For a new day is here. And they sing and dance together, welcoming the sunrise in all of its glory, offering shouts of praise to their Creator.

And the sunrise...at first only the slightest bit of pink and orange glowing softly in the horizon. Gray clouds and a dark blue sky gracefully painted over with watercolor shades of warmth. Igniting the sky. Reflecting off the once gray, now purple and pink cotton candy clouds. The bare branches of the trees surrounding my balcony hang over the sunrise. Shading the brightness. Blocking its full brilliance. As if to say it is too powerful to see in full view. Or that I am simply not worthy of its majesty.

The pinks fade into orange. And just above the black treetops in the distance, its source is revealed. At first only a glimpse of yellow. Then a half-circle emerges. Turning the surrounding sky a glimmering yellow. Finally the sun arrives in full view. A complete circle. Golden in hue. Shinning so brightly one cannot look directly on for more than a moment's time. Again, a sign of its pure beauty and immense value. After all, it is the sun. Which calls forth the day, wakes us up, and tells the story of its creator. Majestic. Powerful. Brilliant. Breathtakingly beautiful. Worthy of all praise.

In the daylight, I now see the trees more clearly. Bare except for a few crunchy brown stragglers, brave enough to hold on tight for winter. The branches amaze me. Ever multiplying in different directions as your eyes move from trunk to the sky. Intertangled. Different shapes and sizes. Stronger closer to the source and thin and fragile as they move away from their source. But holding each other up, the stronger branches with more access to the roots are supporting the weaker ones with fewer resources.

I can't help but think how like a tree this world is. How like branches we are. Different shapes and sizes. But all connected. All woven together. All part of the same tree. Coming from the same source, God. Sustained by that same source who first created and us now nourishes and holds us up. And as we stray farther from Him, like the thin, fragile branches, we become weak. But as we move into Him and come into intimacy with Him, we gain His strength. We can stand firm, like the trunk. No longer needing to worry about swaying in the wind. Or falling in the rain. Or being broken by a storm.

And we are all connected by our Creator. We are all responsible for one another. For our health, well being and survival. Like the thicker branches hold and steady the thinner ones, we must support the weak. Give rest to the tired. Share resources with the poor. As all of our strength and stability comes not from us, but from The Source. It is our obligation to give it back out. For we could have been that small, weary branch carrying the weight of the world on its tiny back. But by God's grace alone, we were created with thicker bark and must hold up our fellow branches.

I look at the natural beauty surrounding me this morning, and I wonder how I ever doubted the existence of God. Or how I could still doubt His goodness. His reign. Or His plans.

I look out over my balcony, and I hear God whisper into the trees just over the birds' morning song,

"This is who I am. This is always who I am.

Good. Beautiful. Brilliant. Majestic. And in control.

How many sightings of morning glory will it take before you believe the Truth being spoken about me in your own backyard?

I am good. I am and always will be good. I am beautiful beyond what you can see. Brilliant beyond what you could possibly comprehend. Majestic beyond anything on this earth. And in complete and constant control.

I am God. And I am good."

What if we asked?

What if we actually asked God for what we wanted and needed?

Not just to heal our sick friends and comfort our lonely relatives. to be with us and guide us. For His presence, love, protection, and voice. For justice and peace on this earth. These are great things to pray for. I pray for them often. You probably do, too. These are obviously things we want and need. Genuinely. And things God wants to give us, I believe.

But what if we asked God for what we really want? For what we desperately need?

John 16:24: "Until now you have not asked me for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete."

I read this verse and it really struck me. In context, Jesus is preparing His disciples for His death. His returning to them and leaving them. Explaining that the Father God will give them whatever they ask for in His name. Jesus won't be there to ask God on their behalf, but God loves them and will answer as they ask in His name.

Ask and you will receive. What a simple concept. Ask...receive. Ask...receive. Ask...receive.

So why don't we ask? Why don't I ask?

"Until now you have not asked me for anything in my name."

Well obviously the disciples had no need to do so. They could turn to Jesus, look him in the eye, and ask him directly. But I read those words as if they were coming straight from Jesus standing right in front of me staring me dead in the eye.

"Jessie, until now you have not asked me for anything in my name."

Now, I definitely don't pray as much as I'd like to. Certainly not as much as I know I should. But I've prayed "in Jesus' name" a bazillion times. I typically end my prayers with it. So what was He saying to me?

"Jessie, until now you have not asked for anything in my name."

I realized that in this moment, God was more concerned with me asking for anything than declaring it His son's name. And He didn't mean anything as in any ordinary basic request that makes a frequent appearance in my prayers. No, he meant the big stuff. What I really want and desperately need. I never ask him for it.

The deepest longings of my heart. The burning desires that consume my thoughts. The biggest, craziest, but most beautiful dreams. I don't ask Him for what I really want.

The things I hunger painfully without. Desperately thirst for. Grow weary and weak without. Require for anything more than simple survival. I don't ask Him for what I really need either.

But God himself placed those desires in my heart. Wired me with those specific passions. And created me to live out those precious dreams.

As long as I'm staying true to the heartbeat He placed inside me, and wanting the desires that naturally comes from it, God wants those same things for me.

But I must ask to receive.

And those places where I'm hungry and tired and weak and weary. Those things I need to bring me rest and peace and joy. He wants to complete my joy.

But I must ask to receive.

What if we asked?

What if we allowed God to honor the deepest desires and craziest dreams He created us with...by simply asking for them?

And what if we in the mist of despair boldly and honestly asked for what we desperately needed?

I think we would receive. Our joy would be complete. We would be transformed. And this world would never be the same.

Tis the Season

Today is December 1st. A new month. A new season. Full of hope, holiday cheer, and gingerbread lattes. Garland and mistletoe. Decorating Christmas trees and sugar cookies. Giving gifts and spending quality time withe loved ones.

For some the Christmas season starts the day after Thanksgiving. And for other psychotic, Thanksgiving-haters, the day after Halloween (I'll spare you how I really feel about those people).

But for me, it has always been December 1st. A new month. A new season. The 25 days of Christmas, as ABC Family sings so well. There's just something different about December that even post-Thanksgiving November can't bring.

Maybe due to the disgusting corporate shopping craze that totally rains on the Thanksgiving Day parade. Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, Cyber Monday. Hey, at least they created Giving Tuesday to paint a slightly better picture. But the end of November is just so focused on buying things and spending money that post-Thanksgiving November just isn't the same. It's a spirit of consumerism. Not holiday cheer.

But December comes, and something changes in the air. Regardless of the weather. Don't get me wrong, New England snowfalls are nothing less than magical. Especially this time of year, before they pile up and mix together with dirt and dog pee. December is their prime. Perfectly white, angelic blankets of snow covering the grass. Mesmerizing flakes dancing gracefully as they fall from the sky. It's a little taste of heaven everyone deserves to experience. But even here in Nashville as I soak up the warmth of the sun on my balcony in a t-shirt, I still feel December's magic.

Sure there is added stress in December. Finishing up enough work in order to take those vacation days without getting too buried. Getting the house ready for company. Finding time and money to buy all those gifts. Wrapping them just right. And shipping them off to the various locations. Being around all that family. Trying to meet everyone's standards of the perfect holiday. Grocery shopping for the big meal. Cooking the big meal. Remembering every little detail. Decorating the house. And doing all of this while trying to tie up loose ends at work, leaving you basically putting it off until the last minute.

Yes, that part is a bit stressful. But in my eyes it is so minimal in comparison to the Christmas spirit that comes and dwells here on earth during the month of December.

People are different this time of year. They are more generous. With their time and money. More thoughtful in how they treat others. More loving to their friends and family. Just happier in general. You witness more random acts of kindness. You hear more "thank you's". People's eyes have a sparkle.

Maybe its being reminded of the birth of a baby who changed absolutely everything. But for most of us, I doubt it actually has much to do with the story of Christmas itself. Sad, but true.

I think it's actually people who remind us what the holidays are about. People who we witness giving cash to a homeless man on the street. People who remember our favorite Starbucks holiday drink and surprise us with it on a rough day at the office. People who go out of their way to attend a holiday party, performance, or event that means the world to us.

And people who don't have homes to decorate. Food for Christmas dinner. Money for gifts under the tree. Coats to keep warm during that first snow. People who dream of a Christmas that we would complain was less than mediocre.

I also think its moments. Placing your favorite childhood ornament on the tree. Hugging someone dear who you haven't seen since last Christmas. Building a gingerbread house with your little ones. Watching their eyes get big with amazement as you turn on the Christmas lights for the first time. Singing Christmas songs while baking cookies with friends. Making your first snow angel of the season. Sharing a blanket with your loved one in front of a fire on that first cold winter night.

These moments capture our hearts as they cause the world, work, and all our worries to stand still. They remind us why we're here on this earth. And they teach us to actually live while we're here. To appreciate each day and be present in the moment. They bring perspective and vibrant life along with the purest joy.

This December, I want to actively pursue the Christmas spirit. Instead of wishing I had more time for all traditional holiday activities, I want to make time for living out moments with people I love. I want to soak December in so deeply that come March people think of Christmas when they see me. I want to look and sound like Christmas. I want to be proof of hope, redemption, and new life. I want to give generously, live graciously, and walk humbly. I want to be so present that I remember every detail of these precious holiday moments. I want to inspire others to live out the Christmas spirit. To be that person who reminds them what this season is all about. I want my eyes to sparkle and my smile to be radiant. I want my heart to be a welcoming home for the Christmas spirit to dwell. So welcoming that it permeates the walls of my own heart and overflows into the hearts of others.

Today I am welcoming December. Making room in my heart for the Christmas spirit. And room in my life for the people and moments who deliver it.

Tree of Yellow Hearts

A tree of yellow hearts. Placed perfectly in my view from this resting place. The yellow leaves are brighter this morning. Glistening as they're pattered with drops of rain. Only a few remain on the once crowded tree. Holding on tightly as Autumn comes to a close.

Now that most of the tree is empty, their true shape is revealed. Once overlapping in big piles of yellow, each leaf now hangs independently from a branch. Drawing your eyes to the distinct outline of a heart.

In front of me stands a tree of yellow hearts. And I can't help but think that God created it in this moment just for me. My favorite color, my favorite image, and my  two favorite parts of nature, all wrapped into this one beautiful display of His unfailing love for me.

Fall leaves inspire me.
Rain drops sooth and refresh me.
Hearts speak to me.
Yellow brings me the purest joy.

This morning as I sit on my balcony, sipping coffee and centering my mind and heart, God is reminding me that He is here. He loves me unconditionally. He knows me intimately. He's pursuing me passionately. And He'll never stop. Because He is and will always be here.

Thank you for wooing me. Romancing me. Knowing me so intimately and yet still moving toward rather than away from me.

You are the lover of my soul. Thank you for loving me so well. For showing me how I deserve to be loved, romanced, and pursued. Thank you for reminding me of my worth, which comes from my only identity in You.

All through the simple, magical, breathtaking gift of this tree of yellow hearts.

Psalm 33: 4-5: "For the word of the Lord is right and true; he is faithful in all he does. The Lord loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love."

Words from The Creator

Did you know you are creative?

No, really. You are a creative. You are an artist. Writing is an art. A fine art. A creative art.

You see, I am The Creator. And I created you in My image. And that makes you creative. Creativity is in your DNA. You were designed in the image of The Creator of the Universe. Therefore, you were created...to create.

And guess what?

Writing is art. Writing is creating. If you are a writer, you are an artist and creative. Here's why...

Yes, part of my creation is visual. Just like you think of "arts" as the visual arts, like painting, drawing, and photography, most people in this world think of My creation as what they see. The colors of the fall leaves. The way the sky kisses the mountain tops. The power of the sunset. Meadows, birds, beaches, and all sorts of beautiful majesty.

Yes, that is all My creation. All that you see was put there and designed by Me. Including you.

But guess what? My creation is not just visual. Sure, I painted that mesmerizing sky and sketched that intricate tree. But I also wrote the greatest story of all time. And I am still writing it...through each of you.

I am a writer. My creation is also a story. And my story is just as beautiful as what you see in the natural beauty surrounding you.

Words are art.
Story is creative.
Writers are artists and creators.
Just like Me.

When you write, you bring story and words to life with the creativity I blessed you with.

You, my child, are an artist. A wonderfully talented and creative...artist.

Your words are beautiful ART.

Destiny

DESTINY. It's an intimidating word isn't it? Stark and defining. Sounds like it should be spoken in a deep voice and echo off the walls. DESTINY.

It's daunting. Uncertain. Both terrifying and exhilarating. Its what every cell of our being hopes to achieve. Where we long to be. And what we don't dare to dream for ourselves. All that could be and all that we aren't bold enough to even consider possible. It's our calling. Our purpose on this planet. That one thing we were uniquely created for. And that one thing we'll be remembered for when we leave. We long for it. We anticipate its coming, or our getting there. We're chomping at the bits to begin it. Wondering why it's taking so long to initiate. And yet, it's always out there. Somewhere distant in the future. Unattainable...at least for now.

Lately, I've been thinking about destiny. Asking myself what it is I long to do. Daring myself to dream bigger. Allowing myself to boldly imagine what my destiny could be.

And as I search my heart for fiery passions and undefiled dreams, as I begin to see recurring themes in the ideas and thoughts springing up...I find myself asking, what about now? How is what I'm doing now preparing me for that destiny? How will this season get me there? When will I move out of this season and into that destiny? And most importantly...is what I'm doing now moving me toward or away from the destiny I'm daring to dream for myself?

That's the first step. Daring to dream it. Allowing yourself to enter that vulnerable place of letting your heart and mind imagine all they desire to do in this life. It takes guts to say the least. Because we risk disappointment. And we risk what we think is failure, even though it wouldn't be failure since what really matters is that we try. But we also risk transformation. And I think that scares us more than the risk of disappointment or failure. Because as soon as we allow ourselves the room to dream, we eliminate all the rules. Barriers are broken and lines are crossed. Suddenly, our passions are alive and in control. Obligations are no longer an excuse to say no to our destiny. Bills to pay, family to provide for, other people's needs to meet. Those aren't enough to convince us NOT to do what we were created to do anymore.

It's like our brain takes a backseat and our heart grabs the wheel, hits the gas, and speeds off into the horizon. If we're bold enough to dream, thoughts like "I don't have what it takes," "that's for someone else," or "I don't have time for that," disappear in an instant. We are empowered to make it happen. Suddenly, we're unstoppable. A force to be reckoned with. We go all in. One hundred percent dedicated. Mission minded. And we are totally transformed.

I think that's our number one fear. Not that we'll fail or be disappointed by how it turns out. But that we'll abandon all that's preventing us from stepping into our destiny, be empowered by our passions, and actually DO IT. Because if we dare to dream...if we say yes...we will.

But most of us won't. Because we're too afraid of transformation. We don't want to be that radically abandoned to everything else but our deepest desires, strongest passions, and wildest dreams. So we make excuses. And carry on in our average lives. Doing what we feel we have to do. Leaving our very own unique destiny unclaimed. Untouched. Unlived.

We have to dare to dream. And I think that's the first step. But I've also been realizing that what comes next is just as important. We need to intentionally choose to move toward our destiny. We must live intentionally. Constantly taking steps that move toward rather than away from our destiny. Always asking if what we're doing has a purpose directly connected to where we want to be. It doesn't have to look like the end result. At first it may be hard to connect the dots. But our steps need to be moving in that direction. No matter how slowly we take them or how long and indirect the path may seem. If we want our destiny, we must be willing to move toward it.

Baby steps or giant strides. All that matters is that our feet are pointed in the right direction. And when we notice they aren't...when we notice we are stuck in a season that pushes us further backwards rather than forwards or closer to something else but just not closer to that something we've claimed as our life's desire...we must proactively depart, turn away, and reposition ourselves. Aligning with our passions. And letting our heart lead us back on track.

This obviously comes with its challenges, but the next piece is the hardest one for me to grasp.

Your destiny isn't just this faint dot in the distance. Its also now. Because its about the journey. Each season, no matter how long, trying, or seemingly unimportant is part of your destiny. Because it leads you to the next chapter. The next piece of the puzzle that your brain just can't seem to put together. Recently I heard someone say: God cares less about how quickly you reach your destiny than he does about how you get there. It pretty much stopped me in my tracks.

The journey is integral. As valuable as the destination. Preparing, strengthening, and equipping you for what's coming. Growing you into the person you want to be when you get there.

And so it's a balance of allowing yourself to dream all that your soul longs for. Allowing yourself boldness to say, I want this in life. And living intentionally to ensure you constantly move toward rather than away from it. All while embracing and being present in every moment it takes to get there. Simple, right? Conceptually, yeah. Its about as simple as it gets:

1) Dare to dream your destiny.

2) Intentionally move toward it.

3) Embrace the journey along the way.

It's not quite as easy to implement as it is to comprehend. But it's about honoring your passions, practicing intentionality, and learning to be present. All daunting tasks to be sure. But addicting and absolutely transformative once you start. Its your choice. But you have the power to live the very destiny for which God created you. Now and in the future. You simply have to say yes.

And I think we owe it to world, God, and ourselves to do just that. Imagine what this world would look like if each of us did...

An Epidemic of Competitive Suffering

Warning: this is one of those posts where I admit to being completely human. And somewhat of an arrogant ass hole. But hey, honesty is the best policy, right? And I think its safe to say that if you're reading this...you're human, too. Meaning, some days you've got a bit of arrogant ass hole running through your veins, as well.

Yesterday was rough. I felt utterly defeated. Definitely one of those days when you feel like the world is out to get you. Everyone ganging up on you and plotting your revenge. Waiting to see how long it will take before you just give up.

But the sad part is, my day really wasn't that bad. There weren't that many things that went wrong. And the things that did go wrong really weren't that awful. There were even distinct moments when I knew the cards were in my favor. That it could have been MUCH worse. That things were definitely turning around.

And yet, I was stuck in that place. That dark, seriously embarrassing, woe is me, my life is terrible...place.

It took everything in me not to burst out crying in public. I spent hours fighting back what seemed like liters of tears. My eyes were glossed over with water that was ready to pour uncontrollably at any second.

But why? Why was my day, my life so terrible? If anyone were to actually compare the blessings and unfortunate circumstances of my day, the first would undoubtedly outweigh the second. Hands down. Ten...twenty fold.

So why then do we get so caught up in the negative? Even though its such a tiny percentage of our reality?

It's addictive once you start. You get stuck in a cycle of complaint and pessimism. Not only is the glass half empty, but it's half empty of water when you'd really prefer it full of wine. Quickly you become certain that you're "suffering" far more than you "deserve." And instead of recognizing those inescapable instances of luck, you prefer to leave those unacknowledged and draw your own (and the world's) attention to the teeny, tiny misfortune's you've stumbled upon. As if it gives you more credit, authority, or clout. Even though you know its wrong, you want other people to notice and commend you for your perseverance as you take the "hardship."

If we're honest...we've all been there. You may be saying no inside, but come on. You're human just like me. And though this is an ugly place, we've all found ourselves there. So caught up in it we don't even realize how disgustingly selfish we're being. But, let's be real...we've all been there.

In school, its who got the least sleep last night studying for that big exam. Or who has the most papers due on that dreadful week after holiday break. In work its who got stuck with the crappiest assignments, has the longest to-do list, or had to stay at the office the latest. For moms its who has the most responsibilities of room-mom, soccer snack duty, and school field trip chaperon. For young adults, its who is struggling the most to pay their bills or working the farthest away from their dream job. Even with friends its who has the meanest boss, the least supportive family, or the worst heartbreak story.

As if all these "hardships" give us social capital or something.

Why do we compete for the title of suffering? I mean comparatively its not all that terrible in the first place.

But what is it about humans...or Americans...that makes being the unluckiest person so desirable?

There's all sorts of possibilities, but I'm gonna make a few guesses...

What if its the discomfort that comes with being blessed? You know that feeling of guilt for having it better than others. Perhaps that emotion is so strong that when life even resembles rough, we jump on it as an opportunity to identify with the less fortunate? With whom we so often seem drastically separated from. Or more realistically...we jump on the opportunity to separate ourselves from those folks who "have it all." For whom life is "easy." Maybe we are so uncomfortable with the obligation to help others who are less fortunate that we take any opportunity presented to us to separate ourselves from those on which the social obligation falls.

Or maybe we're just desperate for external validation? We're so unsatisfied with who we are and what we're doing in life that we need the approval, and even better, the praise and admiration, of others. And so we assume that focusing on, or more often wallowing in, our misfortune will result in pity from others. Which often verbalizes in the form of praise and admiration. That deep need for external validation that's rooted in lack of self-esteem or confidence. Maybe we just don't see ourselves as valuable, hard working, or good enough. And so we need the confirmation from others, and this is just one of the ways we know how to get it.

Or maybe its just a lack of good old humility? We think of ourselves as so great that we are above encountering adversity. That we are too hard working, excellent, skilled, or valuable to suffer. Our lives are above that misfortune. And so how dare the universe offer us a dose of humility in the form of real life circumstance. Its just not what we deserve.

I'm not sure what it is. Its probably different for every individual. And it could be some combination of these things or something different entirely.

All I know is that it is a horribly contagious epidemic in America. With disgusting symptoms that reflect poorly on who we are and who or what we represent.

And the only answer is humility.

Its not about what we deserve. Its not about what we don't deserve. Life isn't fair and this is a fallen world. We are told upfront that we will encounter trial and adversity. That we will have to struggle, work hard, and fight in this life.

I find it incredibly ironic that the best answer to this tendency, better than any I could come up with, is the exact thing my verse of the day hit on yesterday morning. And rather than absorb and listen to that advice, I reacted horribly, as many flawed humans would, to the circumstances, menial as they were.

1 Peter 5: 6-7 tells us (as beautifully translated by The Message): "So be content with who you are, and don't put on airs. God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you."

A small dose of humility may not be the first cure we think of.

But when struggling and in doubt as to why, its a very safe, go-to antibiotic. Flushing the negativity and selfishness out of your system. Cleansing you of your pride and arrogance. And even when you're not suffering, its a bit like Vitamin C. It may not seem crazy powerful. But you can never have too much, and a little bit goes a long way. Maintaining your health and preventing those nasty symptoms from returning.

In this case, humility alters your focus, which has the effect of zooming out on a camera. Your problem is still exactly the same. Still there in full form, firmly planted in reality. But the picture includes much, much more. Shrinking your problem and drawing your attention off yourself and onto your surroundings. AKA: Perspective.

Its only part of the picture. Its real. Important. Valid.

But only a small piece of a much greater reality.

And suddenly, whatever you're walking through isn't more than you can handle. With a small dose of humility, you can keep calm and carry on.

Grace Center: a house to call home

I recently found a church I've decided to call home.

A house in which His presence dwells. Because the people that fill it welcome Him.

A community that comes together to joyfully, honestly, and passionately meet with God.

A people that worship like I've never seen before. Pouring out their hearts to the Lord. Guided by the Spirit. Creating a place of safety for Him to dwell. A place God feels comfortable leading His people. Confident they will be sheltered, cared for, known, and loved.

A church that still believes in the healing power of Jesus. So fervently that healing, transformative healing continually takes place. Because they believe with complete faith that God's miracles still occur today. And that God empowers us with spiritual gifts to bring heaven down to earth.

A house of God. A home for His people. A family, who comes together to worship and praise their God. Without structure. But rather by welcoming the Holy Spirit to dwell and faithfully letting Him lead.

There is power in this church. A powerful presence of God. A powerful use of His spiritual gifts. A powerful existence of the supernatural. A powerful way of worship. A powerful peace. A powerful sense of joy. A powerful consuming love. A powerful glimpse of heaven reaching earth.

In just a cuople of visits, this church has taught me how to welcome God's presence. Into my life, my home, and my heart. How to live in His joy. How to be still in His peace. How to be healed by faith. And how to worship as led by the Spirit, rather than by a structured agenda.

I already feel transformed.
I already feel renewed.
I already feel full of joy and peace. Completely drenched in His spirit.
I am more in tune with His voice and aware of His touch.
I am falling more and more in love with my God every day.
Learning to live in His truths.
And coming to know Him as He actually is, simply as I am.


My heart has found a new house to call home. And I could not be more thankful, joyful, and excited.

A welcoming prayer

No more walls.

No more fear.

You are welcome here.

Lord, You are welcome here. In this heart, I welcome you. Ask You to dwell in the deepest corners. I open all closed doors, and I ask Your spirit to flood in. I leave no corner closed to You. I give You full access. Total reign. Come into the parts I have been keeping from You, Lord. Sweep into those dark, empty places. I welcome You, Holy Spirit. Come dwell in my heart. Show me where I have been putting up walls. Revel the voids behind them. The wounds beneath them. Rush in. Take me there with You. Show me where I need Your healing. Heal me in those places, but show me how I became wounded and broken there. And teach me how to never go there again.

Come, Lord Jesus. You are welcome here. Here in this heart. In its deepest holes and darkest corners, I welcome you. You are welcome here.

No more walls.

No more fear.

You are welcome here.

(IN)securities

You are a beautiful daughter of The King.

Someone told me that a couple of weeks ago in a text message. I was having a rough morning. One of those beyond emotional days. When it seems like every small insecurity embedded in your heart from past wounds resurfaces. Only to get together with all the other insecurities and throw themselves a huge pity party. All the product of fear and doubt. But nonetheless, I felt weak.

You know how those insecurities feed you mouths full of blatant lies? You aren't strong enough. You aren't good enough. You aren't worthy of love. You can't do this. You will fail. You can't change. He doesn't love you. He's going to leave you. He will be disappointed in you.

But mostly, I kept hearing them say...you aren't strong enough. You aren't good enough. You aren't worthy of love.

Insecurities.

They aren't of us. And they certainly aren't of God. Because what or who could we ever be more secure in than God? If He is our rock, our shield, our protector, and our redeemer...well, that sounds pretty darn secure if you ask me.

God is secure. Not in the sense of being safe. If you've walked with God for even a short time, you probably know by now that He's not about safety. He doesn't wrap you in bubble wrap or keep you locked in a comfortable, easy place. He's not about keeping you from situations that grow and challenge you. He wants you to get your hands dirty. To rub up against some tough, scary crap through which He can build and prune you into who He created you to be. No, God is secure in that we can have complete assurance in Him. We know who He is and who He's not. What He's for and what He's against. We know that He will always be there and always love us. That He will never abandon or give up on us. What could be more secure than that?

So these things we call "insecurities" cannot possibly be of Him. They're outside of who and how He created us to be. They're unwanted excess that we absorb from the world around us. Like a dirty film that sticks to and covers our flesh, tainting the way we see ourselves. They are of this earth. Not of God. And these insecurities, if not of Him who is Truth...must be lies. If not of Him who is goodness...must be evil. If not of Him who is a solid rock...must be insecure. Unreliable. Shaky.

While we cannot be shaken on this trembling earth when we stand firm in Jesus...we begin to shake uncontrollably the second we start to buy into these insecurities.

So why do we hold onto these earthly lies that shake us when we could stand firm in Truth?

We all have our own insecurities. They stem from whatever deep wounds linger beneath the surface. But they all have two things in common: They are not of God, and they are preventing us from becoming the child of God he created us to be.

You are a beautiful daughter of The King.

This one sentence...this one statement...if I truly believed it, would wipe away every single insecurity I experience.

Because my wounds linger in the area of worth. And for so long I searched and searched for external validation through romantic relationships and striving for achievement to heal those wounds. But it only fueled those insecurities more. Time and time again. It let them latch onto my skin just a little bit tighter. Dig their nails in just a little bit deeper. Bend me toward believing in those insecurities just a little bit more.

But I...I am a beautiful daughter of The King.

That makes me perfect in His eyes.

That makes me priceless.

That makes me pure.

That makes me valuable.

That makes me more than good enough.

That makes me royalty.

That makes me worthy of love.

I want to walk boldly and confidently in that. To write it on my heart. To see it in my face when I look in the mirror. To feel it everywhere His presence lingers.

Only then will my insecurities melt away. Only then will I no longer be shaken, but instead stand firm in this Truth: I am a beautiful daughter of The King. It's time to believe in that and live accordingly to overcome my insecurities.

So...who does God say you are? And what insecurities would disappear if you simply accepted and believed in that Truth?

Quit Striving and Surrender

Are you tired? Worn out? Unsatisfied with who you are? Constantly criticizing yourself?

Chances are you're striving.

For what? I don't know. Maybe good grades in school. A high paying job. A promotion at work. For a compliment from that one person whose opinion really matters to you. Fame. Finally "making it" in whatever profession it is you're pursuing. Financial stability. A relationship. Marriage. Approval from your parents. Finishing that impossible to do list.

Chances are, if you're anything like me, in whatever area of life it is...you're striving for perfection.

It happens. Here on this earth, the pressure is always on. The stakes high. The expectations higher.

We look at others who have done it, whatever it is, and wonder, why can't I? They do more than me and make it look so easy. What's wrong with me that I can't accomplish this? Why, no matter what I do or how hard I try, is it never enough?

We do and we do and we do. Mind convinced that more is always better, and until we get that more, we'll never be good enough. We strive for perfection. An absolutely unreachable place and concept.

Perfection. Think about the word for just a second. If you are human, then you are obviously flawed. You don't need a theological explanation to be convinced of that. It's common sense. You are a creature of this earth. Where distractions are plenty. Temptations are immense. Obstacles huge. And freedom abundant. You are going to mess up. You're going to fall down. You will fail. By your own standards and the standards of others over and over again. It's the only way life can be on this thing we call earth. You are only human. We are merely human. We aren't programmed to live out perfection. We're programmed to think about and evaluate choices and experiences in hopes of improving our decisions and progressing throughout our life. We're programmed for growth, most definitely. But as humans...we are completely incapable of ever reaching that place we call perfection.

If you ask me, it sounds like a pretty boring place. Why would we want to be perfect? If we were flawless and identical, what could we learn from each other? How could we live out a life of growth?

But the problem isn't that we can't be perfect. It's that knowing perfection is impossible, we constantly strive for it.

If you're thinking, naw, I don't strive to be perfect... I challenge you to evaluate every area of your life. There is a place where you strive for perfection. I promise.

To be the perfect child to your parents. The perfect parent to your kids. The perfect spouse, girlfriend, or boyfriend. The perfect friend. The perfect employee, intern, or volunteer. The perfect leader, role model, or example. The perfect....fill in the blank. But search your life, because it's there somewhere. That place where you strive to be more than you could ever be capable of actually being.

So what's the answer to all this striving?

Surrender.

One word. One concept. That will change every aspect of your life if you let it.

Am I trying to say that I am some expert holding the key to the secret of life? No. Absolutely not. But I do know without a doubt that surrender works. And not just for Christians who believe in surrendering to their savior. For everyone. No matter what they believe in or what they're striving for.

The concept may sound super religious. There's lots of worship songs that focus in on that word. Many sermons dedicated to the concept. Tons of scripture to back it up. Do I come from a perspective of surrender that believes in surrendering to something bigger, stronger, and far more perfect than myself? Yes. That's what makes sense to me. That's where I've learned I can find peace. In surrendering to a God that brings me strength when and where I am weak. Rest when I'm weary. Hope when I'm discouraged. And so much more.

But surrender works for everyone. Whether you believe in God, Jesus, Buddha, Allah, or nothing at all.

Why?

Because the heart of surrender is admitting and coming to peace with the fact that there are things out of your control. Things you are not capable of doing or being.

Surrender is saying, this is where I am, and this is where I cannot be. Who I am and who I cannot be. What I'm doing and what I cannot do.

Surrender is staring down your own weakness and boldly saying, I see you. You exist in me, and that is okay. I am not perfect, but I am also not a failure. We all have weaknesses, and you just happen to be mine.

Surrender is accepting the areas of your life over which you have no control.

Surrender is handing in your insecurities.

Surrender is discovering and trusting that you are enough. Exactly as you are and right where you are. Could there be room for improvement? Sure. But you are already good enough. Already worthy of love. Without doing or being anything more.

Surrender is understanding your humanity. Your existence as a flawed being in a flawed world.

Surrender is saying I can't do everything, and I can't be everything. But you know what? That is okay. That is how it should be.

And when you trade in your striving for surrender...you find freedom. To be who you are. To do what you are capable of doing. To be flawed. To fail. To fall.

To be human.

As for me? I choose to surrender to a God who can do all things. Who is always there and who readily meets me in my very imperfect, quite inadequate, merely human state. Because when I quit striving, and surrender to him, I find an indescribable peace and abundant love. And only then can I look at myself and say, I am good enough just as I am. I am doing enough right now. I am only human. I will never be perfect. And that's not just okay...it's more than enough.

But wherever it is you are striving for perfection...

And however it is you choose to surrender...

Quit striving. Surrender. And you will find freedom.

Running doesn't work with You

I haven't been coming to you lately. I haven't been letting you in. Leaning into you. Resting in you. Searching for you. I've been distant. Distracted. Unbalanced. Off center.

My eyes have not been fixed on you. But on who I need to be. Who I don't want to be. What I have to do. What I'm not ready to do.

My gaze has wandered. I've stepped off course.

You've been speaking, but I haven't been listening. Your arms have been open wide, but I haven't been running into them. You've been waiting for me. Offering your love, wisdom, rest and guidance. But I haven't been paying attention.

I've been neglecting this relationship. You and the work that you've been doing in my heart and my life. I quit being obedient. I put the work you were doing on the back burner. I ran away in fear. I was feeling weighed down by this stuff. By what you asked me to do. How you were working in my heart. The things you shared with me.

You were working. On something I wanted no part in. It was heavy. It was scary. And you were moving. Working. Proving your power and truth. Softening my heart to prepare me for something that lie ahead.

And because it was too heavy for me to carry...I ran. Like always. The runner in me said, "Actually, I've changed my mind. I'm not game for this. I can't do this." And bolted in the other direction.

Running is how I cope. I've blogged about this before. It's my escape. My defense mechanism. I get scared. I don't see myself as big enough or strong enough to deal with something. And I run. As far and as fast as I can. Until that heaviness is gone. And that big pile of shit I wasn't willing to face is just a tiny dot in the distance.

But I'm beginning to realize that I can't run from this without running from you.

Because this is what you're working on in my heart right now. This is where you want me to meet you right now. It's where your presence is lingering, because its where you are moving.

And so if I run from this...I run from you.

I know, because I just did it. And I've been dealing with the consequences for the past couple of weeks now. Feeling distant from you. Out of balance. Off center. Eyes fixed elsewhere. Not locked on you where they should be.

And I don't like it.

So I'm back to the drawing board. Running worked with people. With human relationships. Worked well enough at least. I mean, it obviously wasn't the best solution, but I made it work. I was able to deal with the consequences.

But I can't run from you. I can't stand the distance. I need to see your face. To feel your touch. And to hear your voice. And I can't right now, Jesus. Because I ran away from this. And in doing so...I ran away from you.

I had to try. I mean, do you blame me really? This shit is intense. And when the stakes get too high...I bail. That's my signature move. My go to play. Every time. I had to try it with you. It was only natural.

But you've made it very clear that this relationship isn't gonna work that way. I don't get to run away from you and still experience your intimacy. It doesn't work that way. I don't get that privalege. If I want you, I have to take you as you come. Doing big, scary, crazy things in my life and all.

So here's the deal, God. I need you. Big time. Every second of every day. After a few years in this relationship with you...that is the only thing I absolutely know without a doubt. I need you. I am utterly lost without you.

You see, I've experienced the sweetness of you in my life. After life with you, I know that nothing else will ever fill my voids. Quench my thirst for goodness. Feed my hunger for love. I've learned that that's only gonna be you. For the rest of my life.

So running is just not gonna be an option for me in this relationship. And I'm just gonna have to learn to deal with that. And in turn...I'm gonna have to learn to deal with this shit you're doing in my life. Along with the even bigger, scarier, heavier shit that comes after it. Cause it's gonna keep coming as long as you keep working. Which you will.

Because walking with you isn't easy. It isn't supposed to be. Because as our Father, you want to grow us and stretch us. Mold us and prune us. Into the men and women of God you designed us to be. If shit's hard, it's because you working in our hearts. Moving in our lives. If shit's easy, well, that means we've run away from you or we're not taking what you're trying to do in our lives very seriously.

Do I want to keep running away right now? Yup. With every ounce of my being. It's my instinct. My safety net. My defense mechanism. And I want to lean on it yet again in this situation.

But not at the cost of losing you. Of being distant, distracted, unbalanced, and off center. Not at the cost of moving my gaze elsewhere. I'd rather have my eyes locked on you. Because that's the only way I can battle the storm. That's the only thing that will turn a heavy burden into a light load.

I choose you. And I ask you to help me lock my eyes on you. Because if my eyes are truly locked on you, Jesus, I can't run in the other direction. To run away, I have to first move my gaze elsewhere.

So here's what I'm asking...

Help me keep my eyes locked with yours. So that instead of running away, I'll move toward you, grab your hand, and walk through whatever scary shit you're doing in my life. At a steady pace. One step at a time. Never lifting my gaze from your eyes.

What lights the fire in your belly?

I had a wonderful conversation today with a wise woman. Not just wise, like lived longer than me wise, but deeply, deeply wise. Full of rich knowledge to unpack wise. Dreaming big but possible wise. Making sense of illogical human ways wise. Prophetic wise.

It was an unexpected conversation when I really didn't have time to stop and chat. But it got me thinking. Reevaluating. Dreaming. One of those I could sit here all day and never get bored listening to you conversations.

She told me of a nonprofit vision she's had for years. A dream that's been birthed, but stayed in its newborn stage until she felt moved, called to really give it her all and go for it.

Her vision was beautiful. Her eyes grew bright and her heart surfaces as she shared. Layer after layer, she deeply opened up to me. I could see the orange fire glowing within her. Burning bright. Consuming her whole being.

She was real. She was determined. She knew her power. Her strengths. Her skills. Her purpose. And she was waiting to use it all for the Kingdom. She was a warrior, armed and ready for battle. Waiting for her leader's call to charge full force for victory. Justice. Goodness.

I could write ten different blog posts on the various words of wisdom she shared with me. The various topics we covered and lessons we touched. But one stands out tonight as I replay our conversation in my head. As her bright eyes and burning fire for a cause boldly occupy my gaze.

"What lights a fire in your belly and what lights a fire in mine are totally different. And that's okay. That's how it should be."

Now, I've heard this before and I've said this before.  But somehow it sunk in a little deeper today. My brain wrapped its way around the concept a little closer to full circle.

We talked about competition in the world of nonprofits. How organizations and the people running them are way too concerned with being the ones to "fix" the problem that they pass up opportunities to collaborate and partner together. Ultimately causing less good. Instead of sharing wisdom they've gained with others, keeping it for themselves. As if saving the world is some competition for a trophy rather than a genuine effort to impact lives for the better. To advance the Kingdom.

And that's when she shared with me that she feels its her job to share wisdom from where she's been and what she's learned. Because that wisdom isn't hers. She doesn't own it. It doesn't belong to her. It was freely given to her by God. So how could she selfishly keep it to herself rather than share that richness with others. Its our job to share wisdom. because we did nothing to earn it. We aren't entitled to keep it.

And that's why I write, I realized. To share. I wouldn't necessarily call it wisdom. But lessons I've learned. Thoughts God has given me. Ways he's grown me. Things he's teaching me. Because it was all freely given to me and undeservingly so. And so I must pass it on freely, as well.

And so tonight I want to share the wisdom I gained from my conversation with this lady.

I know we're all wired differently. That different passions fuel us. Different stories move us. Different causes ignite us. I get that. I always have.


But I haven't been acting like all those causes are equal. I have been selfishly promoting my own. Considering it more important. More worthy. More needed in this world than others.

Because when I look at a child who has survived war and is now leading their community in peace, empowered to dream and live a full life again...the fire in my belly is lit. I stir. I'm moved. I'm motivated. I'm determined to do whatever in my power to do more.

Because when I see a child whose spirit is broken. Dreams destroyed. Innocence lost. Parents dead because they were forced to kill them. Sister raped. Future seemingly nonexistent. A child who is numb. Lost. Cold. Spiritually dead...

My heart breaks. It rips and tears and falls into a thousand pieces. My chest aches. The tears come. My world stops. And all I can think about is that their life was just beginning. They were just a kid. how could someone force them to do those horrific, gut-wrenching things? How could you destroy a child like that?

How do we piece them back together? How do we heal their deep wounds? So that they can have a future. Change the course of war. Come to life again.

I have a heart for children. Children who have survived trauma they didn't ask for, deserve, or even understand.

Right now, that's my heart beat. Could it change? Absolutely, if God wants it to. But right now, that's my cause. That's my fight. To help children of war find healing, peace, and empowerment.

But what lights a fire in my belly...isn't what lights a fire in yours And that's okay. That's how it should be.

Because the needs in this world are innumerable. The heartaches and despairs impossible to count. Problems infinite.

Children can't live without clean water. They can't become empowered adults without education. They can't stay in school without food to nourish and strengthen them with energy to learn. Their parents can't buy food without an income. But they need skills to find a job. And those skills need to be valued enough that they get paid fairly at those jobs.

And that's not even the half of it.

We need peacemakers to end war. We need good, honest politicians to enforce fair laws. We need doctors to physically heal people. Teachers to educate people. Counselors and social workers to empower people. Moms to raise people.

And what about all of the different problems our world is currently facing?
-sex trafficking
-war
-autism
-abuse
-homelessness
-poverty
-physical disabilities
-cancer
-crime
-addiction
-greed
-destruction of the environment
-global warming
-exploitation
-dictatorships
-sexism
-hate
-illiteracy
-unequal access to education
-rape

I could go on forever. The point is, our world is full of problems. If you think about it long enough, its quite depressing. But all of these problems need to be solved. Every single one of them.

And so we need dreamers, believers, and fighters for each of these causes. That's how change happens. Passion fuels action. But without that passion, without hearts being stirred and fires being lit...we don't get anywhere.

So who are we to champion our own cause as if its somehow more important than another's? And after all those causes belong to the world, to God, not to ourselves. They aren't ours. How can we rank the many different ways of bringing good to the world? We can't. It's utterly impossible.

Bettering a life is the most important thing we can do on this earth. And to that one life, it's the best thing that could have ever been done.

Making a difference is the most valuable use of our time. No matter what population we are making a difference within. No difference you make is better than the difference someone else makes. No matter where or when or how it is made.

It's about making the difference you are meant to make.

WHERE does your heart beat? WHAT lights the fire in your belly?

Go THERE. Work THERE. Do good THERE. Make a difference THERE.

Because you can sure as Hell bet that that is not the same heartbeat I have. And that its not what lights the fire in my belly. And so not only should you fight for that cause and dedicate yourself to that dream...but you have to. Because if you don't...I won't.

It's not my fire. It's not where my heart is. It's not my calling. And it's not my battle.

So while I'm fighting mine, you better put on your armor and prepare to charge full force into the front lines. If you look hard enough, you'll find an army to ride with you right by your side. You won't have to fight it alone.

But you better believe its on you to move. To accept that call. To respond to that very unique, very real fire burning in your belly.

Because what lights the fire in your belly isn't what lights the fire in mine.

The world needs YOU.

So, when you hear the word "charge" loud and clear from your commander...

Will you retreat?

Or will you rise to the challenge you've been given, let that fire consume every part of your being, and charge full force to champion your own, unique, undoubtedly important cause?

But really?

"But really?"

I find myself asking these two words all the time now. Its become my mantra. Often with sarcasm. Sometimes in fury. Always in disbelief.

In response to some pretty crazy things going on in my life. Things that are hard to wrap my brain around. Difficult to understand the reason behind. Impossible to see where they will take me.

The phrase often accompanies questions like:
-Why me?
-What on earth does that look like?
-You've got to be kidding me, right?
-And how exactly do you expect me to do that?
-Seriously?
-How could that possibly be a good idea?
-Mmkay...we'll see about that.

As if I have any say in the truth of these seemingly crazy things God is doing. As if I can ever know what the future holds. As if God were this evil little genius, sitting in his dark lab, plotting his vengeful plans to destroy me. You know, like some Dr. Evil character or something.

You'd think I'd have realized by now that God is good. That he has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. That his love for me means He has crazy beautiful plans for me, not crazy destructive plans for me. But no.

I doubt him.
Over and over.
Day after day.
Conversation after conversation.

I doubt his goodness and power. His truth and promises.

And I respond with..."but really?"

Believing in God is the easy part. Believing in all the remarkable things he is and the horrible things that he's not...well, that's the real tough one.

Because the world is so everything He's not. And so we come into this relationship aware that He is God, but with totally false expectations of what that means. Underestimating all that He is.

And how can we not? On this earth, its hard to trust. Relationships are broken. Promises don't last. Love is never unconditional. Fathers abandon their children. Destruction occurs in any and every form. All over the world. Every day.

Living in a place like that makes turning toward and believing in a God who looks totally different, a light in all that darkness...easy. It makes sense. Why wouldn't we want that goodness? That love? That peace? That healing? That redemption?

So while surrendering is tough (that's a whole different topic, though), saying yes to a God who is good in the middle of a pretty dark and destructive world can be a pretty easy choice.

Its the next part where I think many of us struggle.

How do you unlearn all the world has taught you? Because without doing so you can't possibly accept God's promises.

Think about it...

The world has told you you're unworthy of love. How do you believe that God loves you unconditionally?

The world has told you people say they love you, but then one day they bail. How do you believe that God will never abandon you?

The world has thrown you curve ball after curve ball. How do you believe God has good plans for you?

And the list goes on and on and on. And while on the one hand it is totally logical that a truly good God would be the opposite of a fallen world...I think as humans, so used to living in a broken world, we struggle to separate God, take Him for His word, and see Him faithfully as all that He is.

Doubt and questioning are healthy. God wants us to dig deep and discover him through our own unique journey. He likes that we ask tough questions. That we don't accept everything at face value.

But He also longs for us to accept His truth. And not just believe in Him, but in all that He is and promises to be.

I'm a little stuck in the "but really?" stage right now. Baffled. Confused. Frustrated. Curious. Mind-boggled.

Doubting God to be all that He is.

But He's not backing down. He's not waiting for me to wake up and believe Him. Nope. He's moving and working. Proving Himself to be true. A God so big that He has nothing to prove to anyone, is taking the time to prove Himself to me.

And when I respond to that proof in utter disbelief with one of those "but really?" comments...

He proves himself yet again.

I'm hopeful that I will grow more vulnerable and trusting of God. But so thankful that He's not making me get there on my own. But instead, walking with me every step of the way. Smiling and nodding when I say, "but really?" And just thinking of one more way to prove He is who He says He is.

He's totally accepting of me right where I'm at. Doubts, questions, but really's and all.