But really?

"But really?"

I find myself asking these two words all the time now. Its become my mantra. Often with sarcasm. Sometimes in fury. Always in disbelief.

In response to some pretty crazy things going on in my life. Things that are hard to wrap my brain around. Difficult to understand the reason behind. Impossible to see where they will take me.

The phrase often accompanies questions like:
-Why me?
-What on earth does that look like?
-You've got to be kidding me, right?
-And how exactly do you expect me to do that?
-Seriously?
-How could that possibly be a good idea?
-Mmkay...we'll see about that.

As if I have any say in the truth of these seemingly crazy things God is doing. As if I can ever know what the future holds. As if God were this evil little genius, sitting in his dark lab, plotting his vengeful plans to destroy me. You know, like some Dr. Evil character or something.

You'd think I'd have realized by now that God is good. That he has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. That his love for me means He has crazy beautiful plans for me, not crazy destructive plans for me. But no.

I doubt him.
Over and over.
Day after day.
Conversation after conversation.

I doubt his goodness and power. His truth and promises.

And I respond with..."but really?"

Believing in God is the easy part. Believing in all the remarkable things he is and the horrible things that he's not...well, that's the real tough one.

Because the world is so everything He's not. And so we come into this relationship aware that He is God, but with totally false expectations of what that means. Underestimating all that He is.

And how can we not? On this earth, its hard to trust. Relationships are broken. Promises don't last. Love is never unconditional. Fathers abandon their children. Destruction occurs in any and every form. All over the world. Every day.

Living in a place like that makes turning toward and believing in a God who looks totally different, a light in all that darkness...easy. It makes sense. Why wouldn't we want that goodness? That love? That peace? That healing? That redemption?

So while surrendering is tough (that's a whole different topic, though), saying yes to a God who is good in the middle of a pretty dark and destructive world can be a pretty easy choice.

Its the next part where I think many of us struggle.

How do you unlearn all the world has taught you? Because without doing so you can't possibly accept God's promises.

Think about it...

The world has told you you're unworthy of love. How do you believe that God loves you unconditionally?

The world has told you people say they love you, but then one day they bail. How do you believe that God will never abandon you?

The world has thrown you curve ball after curve ball. How do you believe God has good plans for you?

And the list goes on and on and on. And while on the one hand it is totally logical that a truly good God would be the opposite of a fallen world...I think as humans, so used to living in a broken world, we struggle to separate God, take Him for His word, and see Him faithfully as all that He is.

Doubt and questioning are healthy. God wants us to dig deep and discover him through our own unique journey. He likes that we ask tough questions. That we don't accept everything at face value.

But He also longs for us to accept His truth. And not just believe in Him, but in all that He is and promises to be.

I'm a little stuck in the "but really?" stage right now. Baffled. Confused. Frustrated. Curious. Mind-boggled.

Doubting God to be all that He is.

But He's not backing down. He's not waiting for me to wake up and believe Him. Nope. He's moving and working. Proving Himself to be true. A God so big that He has nothing to prove to anyone, is taking the time to prove Himself to me.

And when I respond to that proof in utter disbelief with one of those "but really?" comments...

He proves himself yet again.

I'm hopeful that I will grow more vulnerable and trusting of God. But so thankful that He's not making me get there on my own. But instead, walking with me every step of the way. Smiling and nodding when I say, "but really?" And just thinking of one more way to prove He is who He says He is.

He's totally accepting of me right where I'm at. Doubts, questions, but really's and all.