Am I Ready?

Almost 9 months ago, I decided I was going to graduate from college a year early to move to Nashville and work for Exile International full time. I had a summer internship with the organization in Nashville that rocked my world and pretty much turned my life inside out.

I fell in love with the work and the city. And even more importantly with the beautiful people who had become my family. I never felt so whole. So perfectly placed. So at home. And so at one with both myself and my purpose than I did that summer in Nashville. And so I knew I couldn't leave for good. I knew I couldn't wait another two years to come back and start a life here. So I did what needed to be done to finish school a  year early.

This past year was a year of waiting for me. I loved every bit of my life at Clark University. And I had the most amazing community there, who I will continue to love and be a part of from Nashville. But I knew God was pulling me to Nashville. And to working for Exile. And so that year was a year of waiting and anticipating. Of dreaming about the exciting future ahead. Of growing anxious and ready for the next chapter. The decision was made. Only time was left for me to battle.

I made memories and embraced the present as much as I possibly could. I thoroughly enjoyed my time with my amazing friends. Cherished the end of my Clark University experience.

But ultimately, I was waiting to be where I longed, needed, and knew I was meant to be.

It felt like July would never get here. Like my new life would never start. Like the anticipated next chapter was ages away.

Until yesterday morning. When my mom said goodbye, drove off to head back to Dallas, and left me alone in my new one bedroom apartment for the first time.

I had already been in Nashville for 5 full days. But my mom came with me and had been right by my side helping me unpack, shop for furniture, decorate, and get settled. So while I was excited to be here and thrilled to fix up my new home...it didn't hit me until that moment that that year of waiting was over. That I live on my own in Nashville now. That this new journey has officially begun. That I am finally where I've been waiting to be, starting the adventure that is the rest of my life.

After saying goodbye, I walked up the stairs and into my apartment alone for the first time. Tears streaming down my cheeks and eyes red and puffy. I was overwhelmed with emotion.

Sad to say goodbye to my mom. Who is my best friend and biggest support system.

And suddenly...an emotion I don't feel often...terrified.

I couldn't help but think, "Am I ready for this? Am I prepared? Do I know everything I need to know? Have everything I need to have? Am I ready to be on my own? To face the real world without the many safety nets I've always had? Can I do this? Am I ready?"

I've been away from home for 3 years now for college. But I've never lived alone. And I've always had it easy. My parents paid my tuition, room and board, and gave me money every month to liveon. I grew up having more than what I needed. Never having to worry about finances. I've never been truly independent. And I've certainly never lived paycheck to paycheck.

I don't get scared a lot. I freak out about finishing things on my to do list or organizing to a T, but I generally embrace challenge and thrive in new environments.

But as I stood there staring at my new perfectly furnished, cleaned, and decorated one bedroom apartment, I was scared. I questioned my ability to succeed in this new life of mine. To make it on my own. To conquer the real world so to speak.

But the truth is we're never really ready. We can't be. We always have more to learn and more mistakes to make in order to learn it. We never know what obstacles the world will throw in our way. Challenges will always come. Whether we're prepared to handle them or not. There will be good days and bad days. Ones where we feel strong and accomplished. And ones where we feel defeated and discouraged.

That's just reality. And no matter how OCD we are or how obsessed with planning we can be, it will never change. We're never ready for that next big season in life. It's full of unknown territory, and that's the truth no matter what season it is. Heading to college. Starting your first real job. Moving out on your own. Getting married. Moving across the country. Across the world. Having gets. Changing jobs. Retiring.

Ask anyone starting any of these new seasons in life, and they'll tell you they're not ready. Not prepared. Not confident in how it will turn out. Totally unsure what it will look like. It's all the same. The next chapter. The one you long for and anticipate. It's going to be scary, because it's full of questions and possibilities. And if you're a planner, that's something incredibly hard to wrestle with.

But being ready isn't what matters.

Following your hear tto the next chapter you feel called to does.

Jumping in with faith in yourself does.

Acknowledging and accepting your fears does.

Not letting them stop you from taking risks and opportunities does.

Am I scared? Yeah, I am. Do I know exactly how this chapter is gonna play out? Nope, not even a bit. But I'm thrilled that I've just turned that page. Confident that I will be okay. Open to the endless possibilities that await me. Ready to mess up often. Excited to learn from those mistakes. And hopeful that I will grow a little bit more into the woman God created me to be. And that I will find myself a little bit closer to realizing my life's calling.

The question is not, "Am I ready?"

It's "Will I embrace this moment of change completely unaware of all it will bring?"

I have only one answer:

Bring. It. On. World.