It’s been a while since I’ve updated my blog. But what better day to come back and write a new post than January 1st? (Alright, so it’s technically the 2nd since it’s past midnight…but I’m gonna go ahead and give myself that today is 1/1/11!) I’ve been home for a little over two weeks now. Boy, has this been a weird winter break. A weird holiday season. A weird version of being home. Without going into any details, let’s just say my family is about as messy and broken as I’ve ever seen it. As a result, I haven’t in the least bit felt at home. Didn’t really feel too much of the Christmas spirit. The stress of the whole situation has caused me to develop quite a bit of anxiety. Meaning, it hasn’t really felt like a vacation at all. I’ve been traveling through a gigantic range of emotions in the past two weeks. I’ve gone back and forth between feeling angry, guilty, sad, uncomfortable, pissed off, and claustrophobic. I’m used to dysfunction in my family. But it was recently taken to a whole new level of devastation and destruction. The kind you never think of touching or even coming close to your family. Sure, you’re family is a little messed up (they all are), but the bad stuff only happens to other families…Or so you think.
Anyway, this is not about the shit that’s going on with my family right now. It’s about what it has allowed me to realize. You see, the older we get, the more we see that we, and our families, are not as untouchable as our childhood naivety allowed us to think. Our parents are not superheroes. They are not infallible. They are not immune to making mistakes. We aren’t living in a fairytale world, and our actions and the actions of others do have consequences. We can’t control the people around us or the ones we love. If we want to change the way things are, or the way people act, the only way we can even get close is to start with ourselves. And then we can hope to have some sort of ripple effect on others.
So, one huge change I would like to make in myself as a result of all this mess unfolding around me? I would like to be more positively-selfish. Probably not what you were thinking, I know. But it’s a term my counselor used one day that I have come to love, appreciate, and believe in. It’s not the same as being selfish. No, selfish has a very negative connotation, and is associated with qualities like being greedy and egocentric. Rather, it’s about making decisions that put your own health and happiness first, without negatively harming or affecting those around you.
Why do I want to be more positively selfish this year? I am, and have always been, what most people would call a pushover. I’m not a fan of conflict. Truthfully, I hate it. And so, for my whole life I have tended to consider the needs and desires of others prior to my own. This isn’t to say I’ve been a selfless angel serving the needs of those around me. That’s not the way I mean by putting others before myself. I mean, for the sake of avoiding argument, conflict, or tension I tend to allow others to make decisions for me. On a small scale, that might mean responding, “I don’t care, whatever you want,” when asked where I would like to eat or what I would like to do today. On the more serious end of the spectrum, it has translated into remaining in unhealthy and even damaging relationships for far too long, letting people I am close to hurt me over and over again, and failing to stand up for myself when my lifestyle and values are mocked or condemned by family.
So my first and most important of my many resolutions for this New Year is to be more positively selfish. To stand up for myself, my values, my beliefs, my way of life. To only enter new relationships that are truly healthy for me, and to only remain in ones that are helping me rather than hurting me. To tell someone if I feel they are treating me unfairly, abusing our relationship, using me, hurting me, not listening to me, or even just not appreciating me enough. To value myself enough to believe that I deserve healthy and happy relationships, and to fight to make that happen. Even if it means entering conflict, enduring tension, experiencing awkwardness. To stop settling. For anything less than what I deserve. If it’s not right, its not worth settling for. To do what makes me happy. What makes me truly, undeniably happy. Whether it be taking an hour to read a good book, baking cupcakes, going for a run, ordering take-out for dinner, blogging, whatever. To stop the rushing and the racing, and make time for the little things that make me happy. That bring joy to my soul. That fuel my passions, brighten my day, and make me feel alive. That’s what keeps us going. That’s what allows us to truly live and never feel regret.
As you are thinking about your resolutions for the New Year, think about what it would mean for you to be positively selfish. How would it change your life? What would it give you the power to do, feel, and experience? How would it change your relationships, effect your happiness, bring vibrancy and joy into your life? It’s not a crime to do something for yourself. It doesn’t make you a bad person to stand by your morals when no one else believes in them. To fight for more in your life rather than settling. To make sure that your relationships are healthy for you and that those around you appreciate you. To do something that makes you truly happy. It’s not a crime. It’s not motivated by selfish desires. It’s not egotistical, self-centered, or greedy. It’s what you deserve. And if you don’t recognize your own self-worth, how do you expect those around you to know what you are worth and to treat you as well as you deserve?
Just for the sake of having them written down…here are the rest of my new years resolutions!
2) Show love, compassion, and kindness to everyone always.
3) Find perspective and patience in times of stress.
4) Express myself through blogging regularly.
5) Eat healthy and exercise, because I know it makes me happier.
6) Read more (for fun, not school!)
7) Live a life of balance.
Would love to hear your resolutions if you’d like to share! Or about any experiences you have with positive selfishness if you take on my challenge J I know resolutions are cheesy, but there is just something so beautiful about a new year. There is hope and opportunity. As much as there ever could be. There’s no reason not to change things you want to change, not to do the things you’ve always wanted to do. It’s a new year. A fresh start. A new story…and YOU get to write it. So, why not write the best story ever heard? And then go and live it…
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