I am a Runner.

I am a runner.

Not a physical runner, who loves to sprint down my neighborhood streets every morning for a good workout. I enjoy exercise. But running has never been my thing. And I hardly have the time or the motivation for it. But when I do, slogging is more my style...slow jogging, that is. And even then, I prefer a good yoga session.

No, I am not an athlete.

But, I am a runner.

I run from all sorts of things. For a variety of reasons. But I have finally come to the conclusion, that I am a pretty decent...predictable...fast...runner.

I run from romance.

I run from real, scary, stare you down in the face, committed relationships. I'll be dating someone I truly feel a connection to, have grown to feel strongly about, and can totally see myself with in the future. I'll be giddy about the newness and excitement of it all. I'll love how we have so much in common. Yet we also complement each other so well. I'll be utterly consumed with how great of a match they are for me. How they get me. See me. Attempt to know me and my heart. Accept me for who I am. Appreciate my flaws and imperfections. Obviously this is not all guys, as I have dated plenty of the wrong ones. Trust me. But it does happen. Great guys like this come around, too. And it's great...

Until...shit gets real. The relationship suddenly becomes something serious. It happens so quickly it appears to have completely transformed overnight. We aren't just dating. We're about to be in a committed relationship with each other. Or we already have been, and I am just now realizing it. We are thinking long-term. Nearly becoming a "we" instead of a "he" and a "me."

And I feel...attached. And I know...that the stakes just went sky high. My heart is now on the line. About to be in his hands. His hands. Hands hat could very easily drop it. Break it. Smash it to pieces.

Hurt is now possible. Damage perceivable. Brokenness imaginable. Pain maybe even inevitable.

And immediately...I bail.

I find some excuse that makes sense. Validates my reasoning for leaving the relationship. Justifies quitting something that might really be worth it. Something that I might really be worthy of. Something that could have taught me. Shaped me. Grown me. Into something stronger. Braver. Wiser.

But I don't stay around to find out.

I run.

Out of fear.

Because I have been hurt in the past. Deeply wounded. Darkly bruised. Broken by those I trusted my heart with.

And because of those bad experiences...

I let fear run me.

And I run away.

And because I've been hurt so badly, I have come to build up a very large wall around my heart. In attempt to protect myself from future damage. To avoid disappointment. To keep myself safe from the unpredictable and dangerous hands of others who might come close. Not just in the context of dating relationships.

I run from relationships with friends and family.

I have come to a place where I am only able to let close friends and family in. And after enough time and building enough trust...I allow them to knock down that wall of stone I work so hard to keep up. And then I let them in. Value them. Cherish them. Keep them close. Go to them for everything. Trust them with all that I have. They are my everything. My community. My support system. My cheerleaders. My rock.

Until...they hurt me.

And then...as usual...I run.

It doesn't take much. That wall I let them tear down builds itself back up more quickly than you could ever imagine. It's almost instantaneous. As quickly as they hurt me, I turn away and run full speed in the other direction. I cut them off. Abandon them completely. Leave hardly any room for them to even approach me with an apology. It's as if my heart has been trained in brokenness. And the minute it distinguishes a glimpse of hurt...it sets off an alarm to alert my body, locks the door, and doesn't let anyone in.

This time, I'm not running because I'm afraid.

I'm running as an act of defense.

I'm fighting back. Putting my foot down.

Telling the world, I am worth more, and you will not hurt me.

One simple hurtful act. I don't stick around to see if it was intentional or accidental. To hear their side of the story. To listen to their deep apology and love for me.

Instead...I run away.

I run from the present.

I have never been able to settle. And by settle, I don't mean accept less than I deserve. Or stay put when I know I could be somewhere better doing something I love more. Not the negative sense of the word. But the positive type of settling.

I've never been able to sit still. Be content where I am. Enjoy the present. Take advantage of my life in its current state.

Instead, I've always been both a dreamer and a planner. I dream about what I can do. Where I can go. Who I can meet. The changes I can make. I dream. But I do more than just dream. I plan. I see those places and things and people, and I start planning it all out. How it's going to happen. When I'll get there. What I'll do when I arrive.

Dreaming is great. I wrote a blog post last year about the importance of dreams and how much I value my "dreamer" quality. And planning is good, because it means you are prepared.

But both of these and a lack of the ability to settle are a deadly combination.

Because, I simply dream about and plan my future. I get excited about the next step in life. The next chapter of my journey. I get so caught up in what's right around the corner, that I fail to appreciate and fully embrace the present.

I don't just dream about and plan my future.

Instead...

I run from the present.

And in doing so, I miss out on so much that isn't far down the road or all the way around the corner. It's right in front of me. It's already surrounding me.

I'm sure there are other areas of my life that I run from, as well, considering I am such a great runner. But these are the three big ones I've learned to notice.

I run from romance.

I run from relationships.

And I run from the present.

Being afraid is understandable. Commitment is terrifying. Trusting your heart in another human being's hand's is utterly petrifying. Fear is healthy and natural in such a situation. But being afraid of getting hurt is not a legitimate reason to run away from every dating relationship I encounter.

Being defensive is understandable. After being hurt by those close to you, it's okay to keep your guard up. To be careful. To only let those in who you really trust. And to defend yourself when you get hurt. To stand up for yourself when you've been lied to or manipulated. It's a natural safety mechanism of the heart. But defending yourself after being hurt is not a legitimate reason to run away from every meaningful friend and family member who hurts you.

Dreaming about and planning your future is understandable. Being excited about the next chapter of life is totally acceptable. It's only natural to look forward to the adventures that are around the corner. It's normal to think of what you're life will be like in the future. And it's healthy to be enthusiastic about that future. But dreaming about and planning your future is not a legitimate reason to run away from the incredible present you are already living in.

Every new year, I try to come up with a list of resolutions. I wrote a few simple and cliché goals for 2012 on a post-it note earlier this month. They will be useful as I journey through 2012. But more than anything...

I resolve to NOT be a runner this year.

And hopefully for the rest of my life.

I resolve to not run away from romance, relationships, and the present.

And instead to look at all three as potentially beautiful and deserving of my time and effort.

I no longer want to be runner. It is a skill I have mastered in my 21 years of life. And I am ready to let it go this year. And equally ready to pick up a new skill...giving things I've given up on a second chance.

Romance that turns serious.

Relationships with friends and family who have hurt me.

And the present, so far away from all that I've dreamed of and planned for my future.

This year...I will not run away.

Instead...I will stick it out.

Give it a fair shot.

And trust that some big and beautiful things will come out of that.