As a relatively new Christian, I still have yet to read the Bible in its entirety. I read bits and pieces at a time, chapter by chapter, focusing on what I think I need to hear and be reminded of that day. Usually trying to let God lead me to the right place at the right time. Recently, though, I've been working my way through Psalms. Mostly because I had finished the New Testament, and then when trying to get through the Old Testament, I realized I needed to rekindle my spark for reading the Bible. I got bored...even a little exhausted...trying to get through the Old Testament, deciphering complicated terminology and reading through long histories of lineage. Yes, I am fully admitting...I got bored, exhausted, and a bit overwhelmed with parts of the Bible. We are human after all, and this sort of thing happens. Plus, I am a 21-year-old college student with a very short attention span. And after reading the New Testament, full of exciting stories about Jesus and the new Church (which I couldn't pry away from by the way), the Old Testament was a bit dry for me. So...I decided to break up the bits and pieces with things I felt easier to relate to.
So, I had been reading through the Psalms for a bit. But I hadn't gotten as far as Psalm 139 yet. I was first introduced to this Psalm when I was visiting friends in Nashville over winter break, and I accompanied my good friend Morgan to Forward Church. That Sunday, the sermon was about Psalm 139. And it was exactly what my soul needed to hear. Funny how that always seems to happen on Sunday!
There are so many reasons why I love this Psalm. And to write about them all and thoroughly dissect all the bits and pieces would take both a lengthy amount of time and a background in theology. So, I'm just going to share some of the parts that have been ruminating in my brain and really speaking to me lately.
You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.
God KNOWS me. He sees me. He gets me. He completely knows the depths of my heart and mind. He knows my desires and faults. My imperfections and my longings. My past and my future. My every move and my every thought. Unlike anyone else in my life, anyone else I will ever be in relationship with...God knows me. How valuable is that? How miraculous to be known. Isn't that our deepest longing as human beings? To be seen, known, and loved for all that we are and all that we are not? We get rejected, misunderstood, and judged by so many on this earth. So often, we can't seem to get the ones we really love and care for to see us and to deeply know us. But with Jesus, we don't have to explain ourselves. Convince Him to see the real person we are. The soul living within us. Because, He wholly and completely knows us. As children of God, we are and will always be...known. What more could we even ask for?
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
As if being known by our Father is not enough...we cannot escape His presence. That's right, regardless of where we are and what we do...He is always there. Walking with us. Holding our hand. In sin and in righteousness. In the highest of the highs and lowest of the lows. Reading this again this morning, for the millionth time...well maybe the twentieth time...I got this in a whole new way. I constantly ask God to come into my life. To make His presence known. To surround me and be with me, when I feel like He is just so distant from me and my life.
Lately, I've been consumed by the chaos of life. Overwhelmed by my crazy packed schedule of class, homework, and work. Struggling to find chunks of time for reading, writing, and prayer with God. Thinking to myself, I'm just going to have to be distant from God this semester. There's just not the time I need to truly connect with Him and rest in His presence. And it's a battle I've been miserable fighting lately. It's just so frustrating to feel like you have to schedule time to be with God. So counter-intuitive. And in the process, I haven't felt His presence. I haven't heard His voice. I have felt totally disconnected and alone.
So, when I read this part of Psalm 139 this morning, it finally hit me...I cannot flee from His presence. I cannot escape His spirit. He is, and will always be, there with me. It might be harder to detect, because of the busy life I am living. It's always easier to hear something in the silence. To feel something the stillness. But sometimes, life does not allow you to have silence and stillness. There are seasons when that is just not an option...but that does not mean that God leaves you, because you aren't providing him with the time or space He needs to fill. No...in the noise and the nonstop warp-speed movement of your chaotic life, God's presence surrounds you. And his spirit fills you. You only have to pause and acknowledge Him in your life.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
But the darkness is not dark for Jesus. Because he is the light. And he shines in the midst of darkness making it as light. And because we cannot escape His spirit or flee from His presence, He shines his light upon us whenever we are in darkness. He walks with us, side by side, step by step, holding our hand, turning the darkness into light. When we are wrapped in His arms and surrounded by His presence, we cannot be in the dark. We are protected by His light, even when it feels like we are lost and alone in the deepest pit of darkness.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; and your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
That's right, we were created by the Creator of the Universe. The same guy who made the stars in the sky, made each and every one of us. How crazy is that? Not only did He create us, but he created us fearfully and wonderfully. And we know His works are wonderful, because we see them everyday. The colorful sunsets, the miraculous mountains, the brilliant sun, and the mesmerizing turning ocean waves. With utter purpose, we were created by God. Fearfully and wonderfully made. He knit us together in our mother's womb, every detail for a specific purpose. Our passions. Our spirit. Our thoughts and dreams. Our talents and skills. He shaped our hearts and formed our minds to live the life He created us to live. Even our imperfections are perfect in His eyes, included in our creation for some specific reason.
Sometimes, I look at my life and wonder if I'm doing it right. As if there is some proper way of living. I look at my choices and desires, and I wonder, why are they so different from most of the people I know? Am I screwing this up? Am I missing something I was supposed to learn along the way about how to do life? Sometimes I question my deepest longings simply because they don't seem to be popular among people...college students...Americans. But knowing that I am fearfully and wonderfully made helps me to ignore the norm. Disregard the majority. Accept my rebellion from the usual as beautiful. Purposeful. Wonderful. I can be confident in my thoughts, beliefs, passions, and desires, because they were placed in my heart and mind by the Creator of the Universe when He created me. I am...we are...fearfully and wonderfully made. Which makes every imperfection, every atypical aspect of our being...utterly perfect.
Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
This has become my new prayer. If there is ever anything to pray about, anything I need from God...this is it. When I don't know where to even begin in prayer, this is now where I start. When I feel like I don't have time to pray, this is the little bit I do turn to God and say in a brief moment. My deepest longing these days is to be searched thoroughly by God. For Him to see every part of me. To test me. For Him to discover anything in me that offends Him. That is not in sync with who He is. That doesn't show the world who He is and how He loves. I pray to be searched, known, and tested. To be shown what is of the world and not of Him. So that I can change it. And go back to the pure way that I was fearfully and wonderfully made in His image. I pray that if there is anything in me that He needs to dig up and drag to the surface, that He does. That He shines His light on it. So that I can see it...and deal with it.
I could go on and on about all that Psalm 139 has been teaching me lately. It's been weighing heavy on my heart and repeating in my head. These words say so much about what it means to be created by God, known by God, and surrounded by His presence. I am still learning so much about what it looks like to be a child of God. To know and be in relationship with this guy who created me, and loves me, and walks with me daily. There's still so much mystery...and there always will be, because that's just part of His miraculousness. But Psalm 139 has been doing a pretty good job of teaching me lately. It speaks to me. And constantly reminds me of the depths of this crazy beautiful new relationship I have with God. And for that, I am so grateful.
No comments:
Post a Comment