THE CREED

* 3/11/13, Blue Ridge Mountains, after reading "Running on Empty" *

I will no longer run on empty. 

I acknowledge that I have an addiction to busyness and performance. I admit that it has emptied my tank, often leaving me exhausted, broken, and full of insecurities. It has pushed me away from God, polluting my perception of Him, clouding my ability to see, hear or feel Him.

I have been striving for perfection and pushing to achieve. Killing myself to meet the expectations of others, which were only ever false assumptions and impossible expectations made by my own worst critic, me.

I have constantly chosen:

doing over being
noise over quiet
running over resting
pushing over pausing
busyness over stillness
projects over prayer
flesh over spirit
perfect over me
work over God
stress over peace
performance over presence

I have become my own worst enemy. Embodying everything I hated in everyone else. I've absorbed the pressure of the world so deeply that I can feel it in my pulse. I've believed the lies of the American workaholic culture so strongly that I hear its relentless whisper in my ear.

I chose to grow up before I needed. I traded in childlikeness for responsibility at ane arly age, only as a result of my own longing to do, perform and achieve. And the faster I ran, the more of myself I lost. Always thinking I wasn't enough, I pushed the real me down, buried it deep under layers of fake that said, "I've got this," "I can do it all," and "I'm unbreakable."

Adults complimented my maturity, but always added that I should slow down, stop and smell the roses, I've got my whole life to work. But I charged on, full speed, running on empty.

Because at that point, I was crumbling underneath. And to admit I no longer had control over my own life, that I couldn't handle the pressure, or that I wasn't in fact perfect...would destroy the image I'd worked so hard to build and keep up. And if I was only worthy because of my performance, then who would love me when they found out I was actually...a failure?

And so I ran and ran and ran. Always on empty. Always striving to keep up the facade of perfect performance. And always losing moments of life and joy. Not to mention self-respect. The emptier I was, the more self-hatred I felt in the form of thoughts of failure.

Today, I say enough.

Today, I admit that I have a problem. I am addicted to busyness and performance. And I have lost myself on this race to perfection.

Today, I choose to change.

I acknowledge that nothing I do or don't do will ever change how much God loves me. He will never love me less than He does in this very moment, and He will never love me more. His love is unconditional, and my striving and achieving does not impress Him. It saddens Him deeply. He longs for me to receive His love, be still, and know that He is God.

Today, I relinquish my false sense of control over my life. I acknowledge that God is almighty and allknowing. He sees into the depths of my heart and knows me, the real me, which He loves immensely. He also sees far into my future, which He has planned for my good. He is and always will be in control of my life. He reigns over Heaven and earth.

He plans my future, not me. He guides me along the right road, not me. He makes my paths straight, not me. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, and I never will. I give up the facade of knowing what my future looks like. I return my life into the hands of my Father who formed me as He wanted for the plans He created.

I vow to stop planning every detail of my life. To surrender my future to the one who created and knows me inside and out. I say that I know not what tomorrow will bring, and I know not which way to go. But I trust in the plans you have for me. And I choose to listen and follow Your voice, wherever it may lead.

My only plan is to follow You. My only purpose is to be with you.

Today I vow to choose:

being over doing
quiet over noise
resting over running
pausing over pushing
stillness over busyness
prayer over projects
spirit over flesh
me over perfect
God over work
peace over stress
presence over performance

I will slow down. I will rest, shut up, and listen. I will be who You made me to be. I will not hide. I will not pretend. For that dishonors the Creator.

I have an addiction to busyness and performance.

And today, I surrender it to You. And I ask You to come close and fill all the holes that have fed this addiction. The false lies I have believed about my lack of worth.

The world has told me I am only lovable when I perform well and when I am perfect. But You tell me I am a radically beloved child of God, who You could not possibly love more. You delight in me. The real me. And long to see me childlike, whimsical and full of joy. You long to be with me.

I declare this as the only Truth worth living by:

I am a radically beloved child of God.

I will not be anyone or anything I am not. I will not worry, stress, or fear others' opinions, expectations, or approval. About my performance or my future.

I am a radically beloved child of God. And I was not created to run on empty. I was created to live a life of joy and passion with my beloved. And that is the only thing I will strive to do.

Today, I say enough. I know who I am, whose I am, and who I was created to be.

I will no longer run on empty.