Partly because it is my job. Trip coordinating is one of the main parts of my job description.
And partly because, well, that's just how I'm wired. I plan and organize. And plan. And coordinate. And plan some more. It's how my brain functions. It comes with breathing for me. And it's a bit of an obsession.
So, you can imagine how much I love my job. I enjoy planning trips, tying together loose ends, color coordinating schedules and so on. It is a skill. It is a passion. It is a way of life. And it's my job.
What could be more perfect?
Except, it's not my job. Not completely. And I learned that quite harshly this weekend when my team was strongly advised by the UN not to go into Congo on this trip.
You see, when the UN tells you to delay your trip to Congo, that it is unsafe for you to cross the border...you sort of have to listen.
We were all heartbroken. Flustered. Confused. Desperate for answers. If we can't go to Congo, where will we go? We already have plane tickets. We already raised all of these funds. We already bought supplies to work with the kids. Organized a training for adults.
We were heartbroken. All of us wanted desperately to return to Congo. Or to go for the very first time. To work with those beautiful children. To be trained in the Empower Program along side Congolese leaders and counselors. To build relationships there.
And this all happened the day before half of our team departed. They were literally leaving tomorrow at the point that we found this out. And we didn't know where we were going or what we were doing.
This drove me absolutely crazy. Completely tipped me over the edge. Every ounce of my body craved a plan to hold onto for dear life. Longed for details. A schedule. Knowledge.
But we didn't have any of that.
The day before, we had plans, logistics, itineraries, and hotel reservations. A beautiful schedule. Organized and crystal clear. Outlining each day of the trip. A prayer calendar, showing where we would be and what we would be doing each day, so that our friends and families could pray for our trip more specifically.
I had put a lot of this together. Spent hours and hours last week doing so. Just the day before our plans changed, I spent ten hours finalizing logistics. I made plans for this trip my number one priority. Put all my effort into it.
And then...the situation changed. Congo was not safe. And we were told we could no longer go.
And all of my beloved plans and details I had worked so hard on and clung so hard to...went down the garbage. They were totally useless.
Now, this is NOT what I should have been focusing on. I should have been consumed with thoughts about the situation in Congo. The safety of our friends and partners there. What it would mean for them if violence broke out. If we had to cancel our trip.
These thoughts were certainly present. But it would be completely dishonest for me to say that they occupied the majority of my mind at the time.
But after talking to my teammates, I realized...
Planning every detail of this trip is not MY job...it's God's.
I may thirst to have my hand on every detail. But while I never will, He always does.
He's the one who moved us to go on this trip. Who showed us the need and called us to go there. Who brought in the funds. Pulled together the right team. He's had His hand in every detail from the very beginning. So how could He not now?
This is all part of His plan.
But why?
Maybe there is a child's heart we need to reach in Rwanda. Who longs for art supplies to draw pretty pictures with. Who just wants to express herself through art, but has no means. Or who desperately needs someone to hold her hand and say, "I believe in you. You have a beautiful future ahead of you."
Maybe there is a group or organization in Rwanda that eXile is meant to partner with. That we will meet and connect with now.
Maybe God is removing us from the situation in Congo, because it is too dangerous. And He wants to bring us out of it and into safety.
Maybe there is just something we need to see in Rwanda. People we need to meet. Places we need to be.
I do know two things:
1) He will use us on this trip. For His glory. In His way. And according to His plan. But something beautiful will be done through us on this trip.
2) God is teaching me that He is in control. That I have to back off a bit on the planning and structuring. That I have to acknowledge:
He is in control.
I am not.
He is the ultimate planner.
I am not.
His plans are untouchable.
Mine are completely dispensable.
He is using me.
I am being used.
He reigns.
He is big.
He's got this.
He knows.
He planned.
He's working in all of this.
Planning every detail of these trips is not my job. Just like it's not my job to plan every detail of my day and of my life. Even though I try to do it all the time I struggle with this daily.
My job is to listen. To act with wisdom. To move where he guides. To be flexible. To trust that He is in control, rather than trying to be in control.
I will be used.
In His way. In His time. According to His plan. And for His glory.
And it's time that I stop acting like I know when, how, and where that is. Or even any idea of what it could look like. Like I can possibly plan it or even plan for it.
God,
Thank you for stretching me through this. For breaking me down so that you can grow me and mold me. For removing my sense of security and control through tearing my plans to pieces. For showing me that I have been overstepping my job. For yelling it in my face that I am not in control. For showing me that my plans are so easily destructible if they do not match up with yours.
Thank you for being Almighty. Always in control. Thank you for your beautiful and perfect plans. And for finding the best way to use me in them. For even using me at all.
I ask you to remind me over and over to let you be in control. On this trip and in every aspect of my life. To trust your plans and your goodness. Break me of this tendency to pretend I'm in control when only you ever actually are. Show me how to better hear your voice and notice where you are moving. So that I can serve where, when, and how you created me to. Help me to be patient and flexible in waiting for your call. At peace with the fact that I am powerless and my plans meaningless.
Thank you for the utter privilege of serving you. For including little me in your big and beautiful plan.
Forever Yours,
Jessie
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