I DON'T GOT THIS

Defeated
Exhausted
Tired of everything
Sick of trying
Of working
Of doing and racing
And not stopping
Overworked
Beyond stressed
Out of control
A little depressed
Not happy with life as it is
No more energy
Out of optimism
Done pretending I've got this
Rock bottom
I don't got this anymore...

I've been over-committed my whole life. My mom says I was the most over-committed toddler she'd ever seen. I've lived my whole life striving for excellence. Working towards success. Perfectionist overachiever about sums me up.

But I've always enjoyed it.

There's always been so much I want to do. And I've always chosen over-committed and stressed out over missing out on something I'd regret not doing.

And I've always been able to handle it. To get it all done, and to manage to actually do it well. I've been stressed out, sure, but never to the point that it completely consumed me. Or moved me to take a chill pill and stop doing everything.

People have always worried. Told me I'm doing to much. Going too fast. Need to slow down. Rest.

And I've always said, "Naw...I got this!"

Even when I felt like a bubble of stress seconds away from exploding.

Well, I am finally there. I'm finally at that point where there is nothing I can do but admit to myself and the world...

I don't got this.
I don't got this anymore.
I DON'T FUCKING GOT THIS ANYMORE!

I'm not okay. I'm not in control. And I'm not happy about it.

I'm having emotional or nervous breakdowns a few times a week. In tears over my stress practically every day. I have taken on way too much. Graduating a year early. Skipping the last two weeks of my undergraduate classes to go to Congo. Working 20 hours a week. Having a full schedule of classes. Doing a research lab. Too many clubs and e-boards.

I don't fucking got this anymore. And I don't know how to fix that. But I do know the first step is saying I'm not okay. And I don't got this.

That's what surrender is all about, though, isn't it? Coming to that point where you know your life is out of control. And that you alone are not strong enough to overcome it. To fix it. Admitting that you are weak. Utterly powerless.

And coming to something bigger and greater than you for help.

Surrendering. Saying I can't do this alone. I need You. I need You to pick me up and pull me out of this deep dark pit. Because I'm too week. Too tired. Too burnt out.

Surrendering to the situation that is. To your inability to conquer it on your own. And to the only one who can rescue you there.

Stress
Exhaustion
Addiction
Failure
Broken Relationships
Woundedness
Sin
Emptiness
Depression

They all require surrender to be overcome. And all of us experience this in one way or another multiple times in our lives. And it feels like we're stuck there. Totally screwed. Because we know we cannot overcome it. Not alone. We've tried. And we've failed. And we've sunk further into whatever the problem is because of it.

But all we have to do is ask for help. Turn to a God who is far bigger than we could ever dream and say, "I need you. I need you to rescue me. Right where I am."

But it's not that easy, is it?

Because when we ask for help, we feel like failures. Inadequate. Incapable. Useless. Embarrassed. Defeated.

We're always afraid of asking for help. It's sometimes intimidating. It can be uncomfortable. It can sting a bit to realize you can't do it on your own.

But we have to get over it.
We have to ask for help.
We have to surrender.
To the situation,
to our lack of control,
and to God for help.

Or we will stay stuck right where we are.

God,

     I come to you today to say I was wrong. I don't got this anymore. I am no longer in control. I haven't been for a long time. I'm at my rock bottom. I'm stuck and I can't get out. Every day I feel more trapped and more powerless. I am over-committed. I took on too much. And I've been lying to you and the world, pretending like everything's fine. It's not. I'm not okay. I'm not happy. I'm not healthy. I know it's just a season. I know we all encounter times like these. I know beautiful blessings are right around the corner. That all of this hard work will be worth it. That I'm almost done.

     But I can't do this anymore without You. Without Your strength.  Your rest. Your peace. Your wisdom. I need You. I surrender. I surrender to You, God. And I'm asking you to show up. To rescue me from this place I've trapped myself in without even realizing it.

I surrender.

        I am Yours.

                I surrender all to You.