It is as if a few days ago my life decided to play before my eyes in fast forward.
Everything is going by me more quickly. Everything seems...shorter.
I have been racing. Racing and reaching. Reaching and pressing. Pressing and leaping.
Toward my future.
Toward my life. The one I picture myself having yet to begin. The one I see beginning after this other chapter I consider myself stuck in.
Away from the present.
I have been running at full speed. With excitement and zeal. Confidence and assurance. Expectations and no regrets.
Yet now... all these moments I've been reaching for are almost here. These things I've been dying to escape from, almost gone.
And I wonder...
I question...
I pause...
And I look back...
And ahead...
And back again.
Where on earth am I running to? Or from? Why am I heading there with such a tireless speed?
Have I...chosen the right path?
Have I...fought the right battles?
Have I...taken the right steps?
Or
Have I...been wasting away my present?
Have I...missed this beautiful chapter I was given?
Have I...spent enough time with my dear college friends? Taken all the random classes I ever wanted to take? Tried all the activities I felt my pulse wanting to pursue? Learned enough? Slacked off enough? Gone on enough adventures? Crazy enough adventures? Risky enough adventures? Have I tried enough new things? Seen enough of Worcester? Made my foot print in this city? On this campus?
Have I...even made the effort to appreciate and take in all these beautiful experiences here?
The answer to most of these questions is sadly yet undoubtedly...no.
But all hope is not lost. I haven't left yet. I graduate college in two months and 16 days. I finish class even sooner, as I head to Congo in one month and 15 days. This season...this chapter...is quickly drawing to a close. Because I asked it to.
Am I still at peace with my decision to graduate in three years?
Yes.
Do I wish I made a larger effort to be present, soak it all in, and make the most of my time here?
Absolutely.
But every day is a new chance. And I can change the way I live and act in this community while I am still a part of it. I can try harder to make the most of this small chunk of time I have left.
After Spring Break there are a lot of changes I want to make. I need to make. I will vow to make.
~To live in the moment.
~To spend more quality time with my friends. And to be a better friend to them. To listen more. Laugh with them more. Ignore homework or work to spend time with them more.
~To see more of Worcester. Adventure to the parts of this incredible city that I have yet to see. To explore. Take late night drives. Eat at the restaurants I've never tried. Walk more. Whether just down the street for a minute or in the park for hours. Get off campus more.
~To invest more in my life here. More time. More energy. More love. In my friends, my activities, my city, my community.
I want to leave this place feeling as though I invested in it. I adventured, explored, took risks, and grew.
And there's still time to do that. There's always time. If we open ourselves up to development and change. There's always time. It's never truly a matter of time. That's just an excuse we tell ourselves when we don't feel like putting in the effort something requires.
I vow to make the absolute most of my last few months at Clark. In Worcester. In this unique chapter of my life full of opportunity and blessing.
I vow to not miss out.
But to finish strong. Investing fully. Breathing deeply. Looking intently. Listening wholeheartedly. Moment by moment. Taking it all in. And valuing its unimaginable worth.
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